theheartofmen

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Hey people. I know my posts are rather rare these days, but I figured that it’s better not to post than to post stuff that won’t make much sense. Lately, more often than usual, I find myself thinking of the basic ways to keep myself happy. A lot of young people are depressed….yes I said it. They worry about so much inconsequential stuff and the slip in and out of depression for the most stupid and fickle reasons. I’m not saying I don’t get depressed or that I don’t think about fickle things but the difference between me and them is that I’m constantly reminding  myself of what is important and what isn’t thus my depression doesn’t last.

Here are some of the tips I have for staying happy;

1)      Don’t think about what you don’t have, if you feel you need it badly work for it rather than waste your time thinking.

2)      Dress for yourself. Stop bothering about what people would think of what you’re wearing and just dress in a way that you’d be attracted to yourself.

3)      Don’t sweat the small stuff.

4)      Give 110% in your job. There is a satisfaction that comes with knowing that you have done your absolute best.

5)      Give to charity. You mustn’t have money to help others, sometimes you presence is more important than silver of gold.

6)      Keep an open mind about your relationships. Nothing is set in stone. Why have sleepless nights over a person you are not yet married to? My dear until you say “I do” you had better get as much sleep as you can.

7)      Keep a journal. When you write in your journal it reduces the tendency of you divulging secrets to people that aren’t worthy of hearing them.

8)      Have a hobby. You need to have something that you do when you want to find peace. For me I watch ANY available series. Some people read, some work out but everyone should have one thing that helps them escape the madness.

9)      Indulge. It’s ok to indulge in your guilty pleasures once in a while. That high calorie snack that you love but you know it’s not good for you. That hot guy you like to flirt with even when you know it could never go beyond that.

10)   Don’t expect too much from people. Everyone around you is hopefully human; this means that they are prone to mistakes. Don’t ever tell yourself that a person is perfect or that they can never hurt you. As long as their blood is red they can hurt you.

11)   Avoid negative people. Some people are so dissatisfied with their lives that they move around spreading bitterness. RUN!!!!!

12)   Most importantly PRAY always. There is this peace that comes after you have poured out you heart to God

COMING SOON!!!!! “THE SKELETONS IN OUR CLOSET”

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We all will get to that phase in life when we are faced with that inevitable hurdle called marriage. Some people will get there when they are still young and naive and are not really aware of the evils of humans, others will get there knowing the possible outcomes and not caring; but there r the selected few that will stand at the edge of that bridge…..too scared to cross it and too scared to go back. What exactly makes a person decide to cross that bridge? I’ve long since ruled out love because we have long since established that it’s never enough. So, what is that thing that makes one person look at the other and conclude that they’d like to “grow old” with said person?
Unlike most young people today, I refuse to view marriage as a joke. It is not something to do because everybody is doing it. When u say, “Let’s grow old together” you better mean it.

Lately, more often than not, I find myself trying to mentally list the qualities that are “all you need” to start a journey with a person and I find myself at a loss every time. When a man or woman has all you want physically but nothing you want mentally or emotionally you clearly can’t go there. When a man or woman has what you want emotionally but you can’t get yourself to be attracted to them then what? BALANCE.  The way I see it, the same way you aren’t complete as a person so is the person next to you incomplete. No human being can give you all you want at every point in time thus you should find the person that can give you all you NEED. It is never enough that a person is good on paper. He/She comes from the right family, has the same religious beliefs as you. Has the right job, blood and treats you like a king/queen. Good on paper doesn’t always lead to that happiness that boils out from deep inside you. That thing that makes you smile in the middle of an important meeting just because you remembered the way his face was when he dramatized something for you. I know that when you’re trying to settle down people will advise you to put practicality over passion….I say fafafa….fowl.

One shouldn’t exist without the other. Practicality helps handle home front issues, manage your money, raise your kids etc but passion…..passion helps you not go to bed angry, passion ensures that your husband/wife remains your best friend and that you never forget that you’re partners in good and BAD. There is no marriage without love and passion is a product of love.

So back to my original question. At what point do you look at that person and say “I wanna grow old with you”? At what point do you decide that out of all the one gazillion men on this planet, most of which you have never met and will never meet, that it’s this fellow or lady you want to be with for eternity? Most people these days don’t think this through. They don’t study the words contained in the marital seriously until they are already in the marriage. It is important to consider those vows before accepting or giving that ring (engagement). I don’t really have so much advice to give on this topic because I am yet to cross that proverbial bridge, but I would implore all of you single guys and gals that are hot on the trail of marriage to take a step back and ask yourself some hard questions.

All My Love.

First of all I’d like to apologize for my long silence. My life has been overtaken by a series of exciting yet somewhat challenging events….all is right in the world now though so I’m back observing the world around me and running my own private or not so private analysis. Today I wanna ask my fellow ladies a question.

You are above 26 years old, you see yourself as a “hot babe”. You have a job or a lucrative business, you come from a good background and you don’t have any medical condition setting you back; there are so many reasons why you might be single but tonight I just want to address one that seems to be attacking me at every corner these days. Are you looking for a Partner or a Benefactor?

This might seem like a weird question but the truth is that most girls are looking for a benefactor without even knowing it. When you set certain financial criteria and you don’t have any intentions of helping out then you are looking for a benefactor. There is nothing wrong with this if only you would be honest with yourself first. Don’t waste your time trying to paint a picture that doesn’t really portray what you are searching for. I once knew a girl who from day one always said she couldn’t and wouldn’t date a man who isn’t RICH talk less of marrying an average man…guess what? It worked for her. What exactly qualifies a man as a benefactor? Well, a benefactor is that man that since you started dating you have not spent a dime off you own money. He pays all your major and minor bills down to the 5k you spend to fix your hair. The moment you defined your relationship he took over (in some cases even before the definition). You have one of his cars with you permanently, he gives you weekly/monthly allowance, fuels the car he gave you, you suddenly start changing your hair weekly at his expense…in fact there is a visible “great change” in your life. Well, as sweet as this is, it comes with a price. Every girl loves to be pampered and showered with gifts but there is a different between a benefactor and a partner. The benefactor doesn’t receive and he doesn’t care….lol… If you have a boyfriend that does everything for you and on his birthday you just give him a cake and maybe a card then he is your benefactor.

A partner might not have a lot, but he tries to give you little guilty pleasures from the little he has and you in turn give him. You spend your money on the little things and you pull your resources together for the big things. You see your relationship as a joint venture; you contribute to each other’s lives both financially and mentally. You are “friends”.

It is very important to know exactly what it is that you want so you will be well-informed of the sacrifices you have to make. If you are the type that doesn’t like to be told what to do, you don’t want a man to tell you when and how he wants to see you then you cannot build a home with a benefactor; but if you know you are lazy and want the opportunity to be a housewife and have things like, what to make for dinner, what gym to register in blah blah blah as your most difficult decisions then by all means keep hunting for your benefactor.

See y’all next week.

I just read some tips on twitter by Ike of big brother Africa. He gave 10tips on how to snag a bloke. Nice tips I must say. Some of them really struck me like the first one where he advised women to learn to do solo trips. Hanging out in groups really does scare men away but personally I don’t hang out to catch men…lol…I hang out because I’m bored; but he does have a point.

Notice how most articles and write ups target how to catch a man? I’m guilty of that too. Just because the world views women as such complex creatures, which we are, very few people have really bothered to document what WE want from men. I can’t exactly say I blame them though especially since most women are quite willing to alter their standards just to make room for the flavor of the month.

Soooooo I wanna take a shot at “What a girl wants”. Ladies, feel free to jump in when you think I have misquoted or add where you see fit. I promise to publish all input.

1)      A woman wants to be given priority: We are well aware of the fact that men are usually busy making a living or whatever it is they claim to do with all their spare time; but nothing says “I want you” like a little priority treatment. It goes a long way when a girl sees that you have set seemingly important stuff aside to do what she wants. You cancel a night out with the boys because she is feeling particularly needy, agree to go to the cinema because that’s something she likes, you make out time in your busy day to bring her lunch because she is home sick. A sacrifice for your girl once in a while will go a long way.

2)      We want to be pampered: Personally I’m not a mushy girl, but I’m extremely mushied up when a man tries to pamper me. Women are delicate and should be treated as such. Pick her up and drop her off, make it known to her that you do not want her to put herself through any stress on your behalf or anyone else’s and she will stress herself so much for you she’ll break out in hives. Last time I was sick, some guy drove all the way from his house and surprised me at my door step with medication because he knew I’d be too lazy to go and get it myself. Well it’s been months and each time I remember it….well guys just test and see sha.

3)      Need her: Everyone makes noise about how much men want to feel needed, women love to be needed too oh!!! Ask our opinion on some things, call us up some times and say you are hungry but you want to eat only what we made, ask your girlfriend to dress you up sometimes. The most important thing is not just asking for the advice or assistance, it’s actually taking it. If a woman feels she is needed, chances are she will never leave.

4)      Respect her: There are few things as satisfying as knowing your man won’t dare certain things because he fears you reaction. When we give you that “look”, know that you are out of line.

5)      Complement her: It really isn’t hard to tell a woman that she looks nice when she does. Your girlfriend goes through all this stress to look good for you and you don’t acknowledge it? You can’t tell when she has had her hair done or when she has lost some weight? Naaaa mehn. You have to look out for these things. Sometimes, for no reason, stare at you lady for a while and when she says “why are you looking at me like that?” reply “because you are so beautiful I can’t believe I have you”. Cheesy abi? Even after reading this article most girls will still blush if this happens to them. Women adore the small cheesy stuff; holding their waist in front of you friends and family, kissing them for the entire world to see, watching them while they pretend to sleep, buying them presents no matter how small “just because”.

6)      Raise them up above any other: The average woman has a bad complex that even she isn’t aware of. It is your job as men to find out this complex and milk it to your advantage. The more you boost a man’s confidence the more he wants to practice his new-found swag on other people, women are different. The more you make a woman feel good about herself the more she loves you. Yes there are some women that stay with men that constantly tear down their self-confidence but the moment they see a man who’ll bring it up they’ll bounce. Women like to be told they are better than others. I’m a woman and for the life of me I can’t explain what this is, but I know for a fact that it works.

7)      Take an interest in her career: Once I had a toaster that used to help me with official assignments, in as much as I like to tell myself I’m great at my job, there is always room for improvement. So this guy was always giving me ideas on how to make things work more smoothly…..damn I was tripped. If you see a woman has an interest in something positive, help her build on that interest and she will never forget you. I would never really take a man who has never read my blog seriously. Take an interest in a woman’s career or passion and she’s sold.

8)      Let us depend on you: Women are naturally very dependent. Forget all the new age woman nonsense that’s flying around “I just want to make my money and build my life blah blah”. Who no like better thing? Women need men, yes they can adapt if the man refuses to be needed but they need men. Before you men start arguing, this is not financial. It’s just nice to know that if you have a problem you have a man to take care of it. To not have to take your car for servicing or even be bothered to know your mechanic’s name…lol. We want your opinion and secretly seek your approval.

9)      Be a Leader: There is nothing as sexy as a man that’s in control. When he walks into a room you can immediately tell that if he says “jump” people ask “how high?” No girl wants a man that is a push over. It’s quite annoying if you let her push you around but it’s ten times worse if she sees other people push you around. There is a fine line between humility and being lily-livered. You have to be a MAN. Learn to take a stand and command presence or else even if she stays with you, she will never really respect you.

10)  Love: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church”. We are all well aware that Christ died for mankind who ultimately make up the church. Forget all the mediocrity you men make us chop oh, when a man loves us we know. Love isn’t an emotion that hides. It is not the same as lust, or like or friend’s with benefits or management..lol…love is deep. It is an emotion that makes you forget “self”. If you love a woman unconditionally, and don’t waste any opportunity to show her that, you would be amazed at the lengths she is willing to go to keep you in her life.

 

These are just 10 tips off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are many more. Bottom line is, please stop settling for less than you want. Women, we know what we want. Don’t overlook what you want just because you are afraid of dying an old maid. It is better to find true love at 40 than to settle for garbage at 27 and deal with the smell for the rest of your life. Having said that, while I eagerly await you opinions, I will now proceed to tell that guy that this thing we have is not working….lol…not after leaving advice here I will now carry last.

My first attempt at blogging! Read and laugh!!

The Cape Town carnival….

THE Cape Town carnival, which in 2011 drew crowds in excess of 50,000 people  is unique in its history, which is rooted in South Africa’s troubled past.

This year’s celebration, slated to start on Friday the 24th of March and themed “Cape to Cairo” promised to be the biggest street party yet, with parades featuring more than 2000 dazzling costumed performers in 11 themed pods. The 3 best lead dancers were to be selected to travel to Brazil for the famous Rio Carnival. What other opportunity asides this to have a view of a Brazilian Styled carnival, and witness firsthand 3 of its participants! I couldn’t miss this for anything else in the world. So on Feb, 14th; in the absence of any significant other to spend the day with, I decided to send in my application for a South African Visa!

Nothing was going to get in my way.

Prior to sending in my application, the Visa application instructions states amongst others, the need for a Yellow Fever Vaccination Card, popularly called a “Yellow Card”. The “Yellow card” can easily be gotten in designated hospitals or bought off the streets, depending on the urgency. I wasn’t in any particular hurry and decided against getting it the “Naija way”. The yellow card was issued from First Rivers Hospital, Port Harcourt (PH) which is one of PH’s reputable hospitals and also one of my work place retainership clinics. Of course the company paid for the shots and it was duly documented. All requirements had been met and at some point I even made plans to maybe get hitched while in Cape Town. Little did I know that Man Proposes, but the SA High Commission Disposes!

And so after paying the recommended visa fees, my expectations were value for my money since written boldly on the bottom of the receipt page were instructions that read “The fees paid are non refundable and Non transferable”. I wouldn’t need a refund, since I have met and exceeded all the requirements.  Pictures of scantily clad ladies became resident in my thoughts, climbing the Table Mountains in Cape Town and the breath taking view from the mountain top, not to mention taking pictures and uploading on social media sites to increase my social desirability status a notch. Everything had been well planned out. My brother, who resides in SA, had his vacation scheduled at about the same time I was due to be in SA. So asides the carnival ladies, I was also meeting up with family! This was turning out to be the best vacation ever. So that fateful Tuesday, as lovers paraded themselves hand in hand, I left the visa application centre, daydreaming about what “the lover” in Cape Town would look like. My imagination was almost lifelike. The countdown began!

1 week stretched to 2, and then 3. I kept reassuring myself that delay is not denial, while trying to desist from the obsession of daily tracking of my visa application online.

And then the 4th week.
And 5th week.
At this point the worries set in and a call was put through to the Visa application centre in Lekki, Lagos. As usual, they told me what I already knew ;

“Your application has been forwarded to the SA High Commission for further processing. Is there anything else we can do for you?”

Of course there was a whole lot you can do for me like telling your colleagues I have a carnival to catch and  “the lover” is waiting for me” but the Christian in me kindly said “No. that’s all thanks”.

6 weeks.

Depression set in. The need to be proactive became necessary and I began to pack my bags since the carnival was just a few days away. All I had to do was catch a flight to Lagos from PH on the day the visa comes out, grab a bike from the airport to Lekki for fear of traffic, pick up my passport with the stamped Visa, grab another bike to the airport and catch the next flight to SA. Thoughts of “the lover” kept me strong! I imagined “the lover” might grow a liking in Nigerian dishes and thought buying some Egusi and Ogbono with Stock fish, Periwinkle and Ugwu leaves to prepare some mouth watering Nigerian meal will earn me some man points. Asides from keeping me strong, thoughts of “the lover” also made me foolish! The 6th week was drawing to an end. March 24th was 2 days away. This was highly unacceptable, but all I could do was wait.

And Friday, the 24th came

And it went.

And I wept!

All my dreams were shattered! My hopes to meet the lover were dashed; the planned vacation with my family had ended before it even began. Was there any logical explanation for this? What caused the delays? Why me? How do I explain to “the lover” that I couldn’t make the trip? And the questions kept pouring in with no answers in view.

The 7th week came fast and on the 28th of March, there was an update on the website that my Passport was ready for collection. My excitement levels had dropped, but it was 4 days since the carnival ended. If true love truly existed, then “the lover” might still be hanging around Cape Town. I picked up the parcel and quickly tore it open and folded in the passport was a letter I initially thought was an apology from the SA High Commission till I read its contents. It read:

“With reference to: YOUR APPLICATION FOR A VISITORS VISA. Please be informed that your application has been denied for the following reason(s): COPY OF VACCINATION CARD ATTACHED IS INVALID. If you intend re-applying please attach all the required documents.”

Something was definitely wrong. These guys must have mixed up my application with someone else’s.  Memory flashes of the day I was vaccinated replayed in my head. Is the SA High Commission trying to tell me all the pain I felt while the syringe pierced through my shoulder was not real? Do they mean the fact that I held out from screaming out in pain so I don’t look weak in front of the kids who came for immunization was all a lie? Do they mean all of this was imaginary? This can’t be happening. Are they saying that even a hospital with such reputation will issue an invalid Yellow Fever vaccination card?  With the Manufacturer and Batch Number of the vaccine boldly written on the card? Do they mean that I have faked the Yellow Card and the pain I went through for a chance to meet “the lover” was in vain? I had to draw up a plan. The deed has been done. If the SA High Commission can wrongly accuse a reputable Hospital of issuing an invalid yellow card, then it’s left to the Hospital to uphold its credibility and defend its reputation by challenging the High Commissions accusations.

But that didn’t happen.

I still have hopes for next year. True love never dies…..

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We all have a list of dos and don’ts. A list of what we want out of a relationship, what we want our future husbands/wives to be like. When you start to advance in age or the universe is taking its precious time in getting you where you’d hoped you’d be financially, you start to take stuff off that list. People around you start accusing you of being too picky and choosy so you take some more stuff off the list and before you know it you end up with a person that you have nothing in common with. The kick in the groin is the fact that most people don’t realize this until a few minutes/days/months after that amazingly expensive wedding and by then you can’t turn back; not just for religious reasons, but also because of the “what would people say” factor.

I recently met a girl whose marriage has just crumbled after 6months and it is amazing how she suddenly remembers all the things she overlooked that she normally wouldn’t have. Yes, some things on our lists really should be taken out e.g.: I wanna be with a guy who has a 6pack. Truth is nobody would have a 6pack forever. As a matter of fact when he is relaxed and starts getting a home cooked meal every night the 6pack will slowly start to fade away. Physical attributes that are sure to change with age should be taken off the list. Things like skin colour, height, eye shape and other weird fetishes can be on the list because they are not likely to fade.

Before you draw up your list, take a good look at yourself. Assess yourself fully and be certain that you have what it takes to attract the kind of man/woman you have described. You can’t be enormous and want a 32-year-old stud with muscles for days and owns his own very successful business and is a house owner in Parkview. Yes, it is possible for a +++ size female to attract a hot stud but over time I have come to discover that most times these dudes are scrubs. They either want you money or your daddy’s money (we will learn how to identify a scrub later). You want to attract a well-rounded stud? Research and find out the kind of girl they’d ordinarily go for and brush yourself up.

On a more serious note though, the part of our list that should under NO circumstance be stricken out is our character assessment column. Every man/woman knows how he or she wants to be treated. The moment you start compromising in that area, you are in for a shocker. A few items in my character assessment section include;

  • He should be very God-fearing.
  • Very family oriented.
  • He should be able to put me first sometimes.
  • I should be able to tell him ANYTHING honestly.
  • He should be able to make me smile.
  • He should be able to bend over backwards for my sake.

These are just a few. I came up with these items after studying my adult self. I realized that I always give 110% in relationships so I have to end up with someone who is willing to do the same or else I’m doomed. I care a lot about what  my partner thinks of me so I have to be certain he isn’t a judgmental person lest I spend the rest of my life TRYING to live up to his expectations. I am shamelessly in love with God and He will ALWAYS come first, how will a relationship with a non-religious person work?

You friends and family might think your list is stupid but it really isn’t. Assess yourself and then draw up a REALISTIC list to match your personality. Also take into consideration the negative things you can condone and the negative things about yourself you’d expect him to put up with. Eg: Arrogance is generally judged as negative, but I find it attractive. There is something very attractive about a man who people have to think hard before they approach (as long as I hold his mumu switch though). I have the natural patience to deal with arrogance; it’s both a blessing and a curse. On the other hand I’m a planner and I over analyze everything. Dating a planner is very frustrating. I plan everything down to the exact minute but that’s not the bad part…lmaoofff. The bad part is that when it doesn’t go according to my plan I throw a tantrum an I freak out… then I start analyzing every single detail, most times I’m correct but nobody wants to be told what they are thinking. Thus I need a patient man.

What I’m trying to say today is this; KNOW THY SELF. Only after you know who you are can you know who you want. Ladies and Gentlemen; draw up your list.

For those of us who have gotten to that stage in life where your parents have started to call you up more often to ask you your romantic status and tell you how important it is to not be too picky, you might be able to relate to this article.

When you get to that point of spinsterhood (yes y’all are spinsters), where you start to give a listening early to every Tom, Dick and Harry; that level where you start considering the things that you would not mind compromising just to get your man, if care is not taken, you will kiss so many frogs that you start to have the “Aftermath Syndrome”. I just came up with this name by the way.

AFTERMATH SYNDROME: This describes that feeling you get after having so many messed up relationships and relationship attempts that you no longer know your true romantic identity.

Still confused? Have you ever been with a guy and you want him to want you back so badly that you no longer know how to act? Suddenly YOU don’t seem worthy? You start to have a series of outer body experiences where you see so many versions of yourself popping out, most of which you don’t even recognise? I bet you didn’t know that there are a whole bunch of girls that go through this too.  I can’t say the say for guys though. They are fundamentally selfish beings and keep going round searching for a girl to accept them just the way they are. I’m not sure this is necessarily the wrong approach as I know for a fact that losing your identity is quite annoying to both you and people around you.

Anyway, how do we cure or at least manage this aftermath syndrome?

1)    You are good enough: You have to keep reminding yourself that you are good enough and that you haven’t met that 1man that was made for you. I’m not encouraging the girls who clearly need a character assessment and make over. I’m talking about those girls whom the whole world, not only them, would meet and wonder “why is she still alone?” You have to keep believing that you are good enough because if you mask who you fundamentally are to please a man, one day you won’t be able to hide your real self. What happens then?

2)    Stay away from people who make you second guess yourself: Everyone has met that one guy that gives us that “I’m not all that” feeling at the pit of our stomachs. Sometimes he does this by just criticising our every move. We start to wonder; am I too fat, not smart enough, not rich enough, not enterprising enough, too dark, like to party too much, not religious enough, too religious? Although a man wanting you to draw closer to God is a great thing, but you have to do it for YOU not for the man. Any man that makes you second guess yourself or gives you a complex is BAD for you. Remove yourself from that bad situation before it destroys you.

3)    Finally, at all times, be the BEST version of yourself you can possibly be. Eat right and stay fit, keep your skin looking fresh and always dress to kill. Look like a million bucks and keep your mind just as sound. Soak yourself in the instructions of God, whether you are Christian or Muslim. Basically, do what is right and what is right will come to you.


  • None
  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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