theheartofmen

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I was having a conversation with my Aunt a few days ago and she affirmed something I recently discovered. Most times, the people we call our “spec” are not attracted to our type. Let me explain this.
The whole idea of having a spec is mostly physical; in the sense that these are the people that we would typically picture ourselves with. We tend to respond better to them than we would any other type of guy. For example, if I’m typically attracted to really lanky and tall guys with very strong check bones etc…I might come to realize that these guys are typically not attracted to my type (just an example).
Let me give a more real life example. I know a guy who is not the tallest. He has a lot of good things going for him but his height isn’t one of them. That’s normal; the entire world can’t be tall. I know that shorter guys are typically advised to date and marry tall girls…but my fellow tall girls (5’9 and above) please analyze this. Would you date or marry a guy that is 5’5? I’m 5’10 and while I’m not particular about height, 5’5 seems extreme.
So what do I mean by “Change your style”? Sometimes, when we are so fixated on what we think we want, we lose sight of what wants us. I think marriage should be more of what/who wants you. A friend of mine told me one day that love grows. Some people are lucky to get it immediately, some others have to sow the seed and watch it grow into what they desire. There is no hard and fast rule to it but it is important to note that you can’t do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Change it up.
You like guys who always have activity who excite you and keep you on your toes? Try a nerd who sees the real you and listens to everything you say and gives you peace. You like nerds because you feel you are reserved and don’t want a guy that would expect you to dress up and go out? Try a party animal that can help you taste the other side of life and make you more rounded. Do you like guys that are typically very well informed and know about every topic on the face of the earth? Try a guy who has room to learn a few things from you and looks up to you a bit. There’s something very sweet about learning from each other. Change it up
There is another way to deal with this; you can try becoming the type of guy or girl that would typically attract your spec. You like well informed sharp girls? Open a book. You have to bring something to the table to engage her. You like sharp girls that dress classy? Pull out your cheque book. You like girls that are slim and fit? Hit the gym. Become the type of person that can attract your spec. I personally think this is hard work and sometimes not easy to sustain but I do know it works.
In the end, it’s not enough to sit and dream or pray till the heavens open, it is very important to MOVE. If you really are tired of being alone then take matters into you own hands, you might not be able to control exactly who toasts you but you can definitely control the vibe you give off.

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I am Old fashioned. I know my place as a woman. I am the NECK of the family and not the head. I will never understand why modern day women are so hell bent on taking on the responsibility of HEAD. I am supposed to support my man, be his shoulder to cry on, his advisor and confidant his cheer leader. I should be there to catch him when he falls. I should be the operations section of the company that is our home and not the MD.

Take a look at the human form. A person that has a short neck isn’t particularly attractive and neither is the person with the long neck….what I am saying in essence is that a woman should know how to give just the right amount of support. Not too much as to compete with the man for his role and not too little as to allow the man struggle to stand alone…

A woman’s work is A LOT already, why try to take on more responsibility?

This thought just came to mu mind while as I walking under this hellish Lagos sun…Happy Holidays people.

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Every relationship has its own dynamic. There are things that would fly in some relationships that wouldn’t even take off in the next. This is simply because people are different. Our tolerance levels even vary based on our relationships with the people we meet. Let me explain a bit more.

I’ve had relationships where I was the “mugu”. Not because I didn’t know better but because I felt, at the time, that was the least of my problems. I believed it was my role to endure and be submissive and take accept things. Today that isn’t the case. Moving from a toxic circle to a much healthier one I’ve learned that there is absolutely no reason why I should be unhappy rather than be single. You see the way we react to situations sometimes is affected by the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Distractions are those things we indulge in that prevent us from giving 100% of our lives to a human being that we are not married to. I say “not married to” because I sincerely can’t be bothered by how people plan to play out their marriages. Your spouse is an extension of yourself so by all means, keep your problems between yourselves and God; but until you take that not so certain but very final step, it is very advisable to dot as many I’s and cross as many T’s as possible. So, distractions; they are a necessary evil. They come in various kinds. They are the things that prevent us from becoming needy nags and FBI agents. They are the things that allow us sleep at night because our negative energy is focused somewhere else. They can also be dangerous. Distractions can break a relationship or come back to haunt us later. Let me give SOME common examples;

WORK: Someone once said to me “I can’t date a girl that doesn’t have a job, not because I need her money but because I need her to be busy enough to understand how busy I can get”. Whether we like it or not an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Nothing as bad as having an entire day to think of all the ways your relationship could go wrong lol. Before you realize it you’ll start to react to your own imaginations as though they have already happened. Get a job or a lucrative business that’ll take up a lot of your time. It even gives you something to talk about when you finally spend time together.

RELIGION: This is a very productive distraction. Throw your spare time into studying God and getting closer to Him. There is a down side to this though. Matters of the church are sometimes all consuming. It is up to you to decide. The truth is that if your partner does not understand religion or accept it the way you do this move could wreck your relationship. That’s why you tend to see deeply religious folk dating their kind. There are cases where the love between the couple is enough to bring about the acceptance of things not fully understood but in the end, something would have to give. One person would be won over.

SPECIAL FRIENDS: lol…there’s a fine line between friendship and cheating. Each couple draws that line themselves. Some couples believe it’s only cheating when there’s sex, some believe it’s cheating the moment you have an emotion, whatever your relationship dynamic is you have to be certain what constitutes cheating to your partner before you embark on having a special friend. A special friend is a member of the opposite sex that’s closer than a regular friend but not as close as your partner. They provide mental and emotional support without the benefits a partner would receive. They know their place in your life and they stay there. Some of them have rights oh…lol… they can tell you who to see, what to do but they have no say where your partner is concerned. In fact you could call them an auxiliary boyfriend or girlfriend. I personally don’t know how I feel about this concept but I’ve seen it work for some couples. The bottom line is that, while you’re having a special friend, be sure that if your partner were to have one too you won’t feel bad about it.

Pick your distraction today and save your relationship unnecessary noise. Have a Blessed week and a fabulous 2014.

 

Ladies, there comes a time in our relationship career when some friend or family member advices us to “take the high road”; but what exactly does this mean? What are the coordinates of this so called high road? I’ll tell you.

In the past week alone, I have spoken to several bitter women. They have been so deeply hurt by men that they’ve either sworn off men completely or have decided to dedicate quality time to cursing out the men that hurt them. Well, while I totally feel their pain, I feel it’s be easier to take this high road which I’m about to educate you on.

First of all absorb your pain. Don’t ever speak to this guy when you are pained, don’t cry, don’t shout don’t curse. Smile and walk away. This is really difficult to do but in the long run you would have reserved your pride. There is no point is swearing, crying and throwing tantrums over a guy that has already left you. I always tell myself “it’s better he leaves me now when it’s still early than he cheats on me when I’m married and trapped”. So start by absorbing your pain in that moment and walking away.

Secondly, talk to someone. We all have that one reasonable friend that we hide stuff from because they always tell us the blunt truth even when we don’t want to accept it. Welllll, that’s who you need right now. Go to that friend, that’s where you are allowed to cry and bitch and curse. That friend will eventually, (if they are wise enough) make you see the very real bright side of that break up. Even if the bright side isn’t something you want to accept just yet, save it somewhere and get back to it when you are done wailing.

Give it time. Give the guy some room and give yourself some room to heal. For some people it might be a few hours and for others it might be a year. Take as long as you feel you need. Heal to the point where you can see things from the person’s point of view. Where you can in some twisted way justify the person’s actions to yourself then and only then are you ready to MAKE FRIENDS. Some people don’t think it’s necessary but this, my dear friend is the High Road they speak of. To be able to be friends with a man that has real hurt you and to truly wish them well, in fact trying to help them achieve greatness even when it’s not with you. Some people might feel I’m just saying this and it’s easier said than done, but to be hones, I personally don’t have a single ex I’m not friends with. What’s the malice for? Life is toooooo short to stay angry and bitter.

Take the high road ladies, there’s someone out there for everyone.

 p/s: PLEASE FORGIVE ALL TYPOS, I’M IN A HURRY LOL

I’LL CORRECT THEM LATER

aa-sad-womanWomen are beautiful creatures, a true evidence of God’s good craftsmanship. From their kind eyes to their delicately chiseled jaw lines, their well carved bosoms to the incline of their waists, the way their hips curve out and the smooth toned legs; yes indeed, women and beautiful creatures.

There is one thing though that is very capable of dimming the glow of any woman and that is a broken heart. Now I’m not talking about fury, it is a lot easier to be angry that to be heartbroken. Anger is usually short lived, the moment you act on it you feel a weight being lifted off, that is assuming your action didn’t land you in more trouble than you had to begin with lol; but when a woman is HURT, when she feels the ache to her very soul her eyes automatically lose their glow. The kind patience that she is known for is no longer evident. She listens but she doesn’t hear, she gives as a duty not because she wants to, she just exists.

I have tried to discover the reasons why a woman would hurt so much that she becomes a shell of herself and in as much as I came across so many reasons, the deepest is when she gives her ALL to a man, when she has loved without reservation, when she has opened herself up, emotionally to him and he hurts her…..that hurt can be seen through every fake smile she tries to put across. What I often times wonder is how do these men feel? You wife loves you with all that is within her and you go ahead a cheat so badly that she finds out. How do you sleep at night? Or you hit a woman God has given to you to protect? How do you face her the next day and tell her you love her? I don’t mean to come down on men but I see a lot of things happen and I wonder. There is no justification for betrayal. Your wife should be an extension of yourself. She should be pampered and treated like one of your children. She should be able to trust you like she would her father.

Dear men, you might not have taken a good look at you wives/girlfriends lately, please make out time to do so. Take a close look at her when she smiles. Is she happy? Does her laughter sound the way it did when you first met? If your answer is YES then Bravo to you. If your answer is NO or I DON’T KNOW then you have work to do. If you can’t keep a smile on her face then you have failed. It’s not always about expensive gift and saying I love you, there are too many ways to show that she means as much to you as she did on your wedding day.

This thought crossed my mind this morning and I decided to share. Stay Blessed.

fork-in-the-road

Every relationship has stages especially when you are not married. It is therefore very important to know what stage your relationship is at before you begin to get paranoid and start making wrong decisions. It is also very important to be honest with yourself because let’s face it, most of us rarely are.

The Honeymoon phase: This is when you guys just met and you have seen all the qualities you THINK you want in a husband or wife. In no time the “I love yous” start to spill out like Portharcourt rain. You go everywhere together, do everything together. You talk and text all day long and talk about missing each other all the time. You can’t even bare to be mad at each other for long. Bliss. Then one day you discover that you can afford to stay mad a little longer, the fights get more frequent, you start to notice things you didn’t realize where there, that’s what I like to call “growing pains”.

At this point your relationship has entered the Reality Phase. Here you realize that his eyes aren’t that blue after all, he really isn’t the most handsome man in the room. You start to fight over the most stupid things. You don’t know why he or she will not just do things a certain way. But guess what? This is when you discover whether or not that love was built to last. You start to see flaws. These flaws could either make or break your relationship. You see her without make up, you discover that her shit does stink after all. You realize that he doesn’t really have all the answers like you once thought. Some people get to meet families at this stage. They discover that they really can’t stand his/her siblings. They get to know about the other party’s past and decided whether or not it’s too heavy for them to handle. Growing pains are not a good feeling but they are a necessity. It is at this point that it is important to take a step back and assess the usefulness of this relationship. Decide whether or not you are willing to see this thing all the way to the altar. It is important to remove all sentiment and pity at this stage. I like to call this the Fork in the Road.

Every relationship gets here. Some get there earlier than others. The fork leads to two different destinations. One is the altar and the other is back to the single scene. The best way to approach this fork is without fear. Most people, especially females, are so scared of being single after a 6months to 1year relationship they end up in the wrong marriage. Nothing wrong with being single until you are sure. Like my Mama used to say,” it’s not how fast it’s how well”. Those are words I have lived by ever since.

When you get to the fork in the road write a list. Weigh the good against the bad. Score each individual trait. A person might have only one bad quality, but that quality is something you absolutely can’t deal with. They might have 20 good traits and those traits are not enough to make you overlook that one bad trait. Don’t beat yourself up. What you are feeling is normal. It doesn’t make you picky it makes you smart. Even the bible says “know thyself”. You need to know exactly what you can and can’t handle or else you will sink. So when you meet the fork in the road STOP, THINK, PRAY, ANALYSE before you take the next step. If you end up deciding to marry that person the fights will automatically stop because you have decided to accept them with all their flaws so you will no longer see the need to bitch about them. All you do is put effort into making the good better. If you decide to return to the single scene you will also stop fighting; but this time it will be accompanied with a lackluster attitude. You will cease to put in effort. You start looking outside or you start looking for the best way to leave the relationship without making a mess.

In the end, when you get to the fork in the road, CHOSE WISELY. …love you all.

skeleton

Skeletons are generally associated with death and evil even though they are the frame holding our bodies together. In a normal setting a skeleton should stay hidden.

Once I spoke with a friend who told me that she felt it was only right to divulge all secrets before getting hitched or while dating or whatever floats your boat. Well, this is a touchy subject because while some people, male and female alike, would want by all means to know every damn thing you have been up to in the years following your meeting, other don’t care in the least.

I happen to fall in the category of “others”. Wetin I go carry that information do? If a man was a player in his past and broke hearts and broke engagements and you truly can see a change, you can honestly without a doubt say he loves you and only you then what are you doing with his history? This only creates useless doubts. Truth is, no matter how much you trust or distrust a person in your heart it won’t change the outcome of events unless you truly don’t love that person. But today I don’t want to talk about the past…I want to talk about the skeletons we carry on to the next relationship/marriage. No matter how faithful a person might want to be, if you do not give your past a proper burial the skeletons in your closet will dance out one day and then what?  Did you just ask me to define Skeletons? With pleasure;

A skeleton is that person in your past who you probably love more than the one you are with but you made a wrong decision and now you have to live with the consequences. These things happen; but whether you like it or not (especially if you are married) there is no flesh on a skeleton’s body. This simply means nothing good can come out of dwelling on the past and sabotaging your future.

So many guys out there these days are married to one woman, for reasons best known to them, and they love another. In some cases the “another” is wise enough to move on with her life and in other cases they are not so lucky. If the man likes let him buy you a country, you are not his wife. The sooner you tell the bloke to buzz off the sooner you can heal and move on. Pain and loss are an integral part of life so why prolong it?

In cases where it’s the woman that has the skeletons, lol, some men might view these women as promiscuous but I don’t think that’s the case. The average woman will be loyal to the man that appears to care about her the most. If a woman stays with a man that ill-treats her it’s probably because nothing better has come along. If a GOOD woman drifts towards her past lover(s) it is because something is missing from her current relationship. Rather than judge her, try to find out (directly or indirectly), where you have failed her. A woman would only chew on bone when the flesh is tasteless; a man can chew on bone simply because it is available.

We all have a past, some are livelier than others, some are more difficult to let go of than others but it is important to remember that no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in the first place. Then I ask myself, what about the unexplored skeletons? Those people that made our hearts race but we never got a chance to explore? Can they be classified as skeletons? Well, to some people all unexplored territory belongs in the past, to me….I’d make sure you lay that ghost to rest before you dream of moving forward. Whatever way you chose to interpret the last line, as long as it works for you that’s fine. Lol……Enjoy!!!



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  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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