theheartofmen

Archive for June 2012

I’ve often wondered about that title and what exactly it means. Does it imply that for you to be independent you will remain a MISS? This assumption sounds silly but I think it’s a valid concern. About a year ago, a friend of mine tried to hook me up with a guy. He and I spoke for a while; the conversation never really seemed to flow as it should though. When eventually we met face to face these were his exact words to my friend “I think she’s a really pretty girl but she’s a bit too wise and independent for me”…GBAM!!!

So I ask, is being independent a blessing or a curse? The way I see it, it depends on the guy. A few days ago I was having a conversation with yet another friend and he said to me “The woman I marry has to be able to stimulate me mentally.” The way I interpret that is that the lady in question must have some level of world experience. By this I don’t mean she would have dated a bunch of guys o; even if I have spoken to a guy who said he won’t want to be a girl’s FIRST; but she should be wise enough to hold a conversation on almost any topic no matter how much she doesn’t care about that topic.

The older the guy the less he values independence. You would think that a mature man would want a girl who has done stuff for herself, has a good job, car(s), lives alone and all that; but what I have come to discover is that this set of blokes actually prefer women that might need to depend on them a little…maybe even a lot. When a man has made MONEY and he is approaching 40yrs on earth, he tends to feel that every woman is after his money. You would think that this would make him go for a woman who has made some paper of her own, but on the contrary he would much rather go for the seemingly naïve ones that appear not to know the first thing about spending money. Old men like control. They like to be able to tell their woman what they (the woman) want. Make decisions for them etc. This group doesn’t include the widowers and the divorced men o. I mean those ones that have been single for so long they have developed a complex.

Guys between the ages of 18 and 32 adore independent women. They themselves are still maturing as human beings so they’d rather be babied than baby anybody. The needier you are the more they avoid you. They detest drama. They are not into round the clock calls and showing up unannounced. They are the men that you need to pull out your Shakara package for because they honestly can’t stand desperation. Wow them with your vast knowledge of the world. I’m not referring to boasting about suspicious things like knowing so  much about hotels and knowing everything about the personal business of the high and mighty. Those traits most times scream RUNS so tuck them away. You don’t have to know about designers but it won’t hurt to know a thing or two about cars and sports. Even if you don’t know these things, it pays to come up with smart retorts rather than mope like a dundi. For example; I hate football so much and I don’t waste time in announcing that, but I can hold a conversation on it if I have to. I don’t know anything about Nigerian politics but I know a few things about human reasoning so I can apply it. Having a lot of money that is not proportional to your registered source of income doesn’t qualify you as a positively independent woman so don’t flaunt that either, it puts them off. Bottom line is, for y’all that like them young and feisty, you need to educate yourself. This group of dudes don’t appreciate the cooking and cleaning as much as they’ll appreciate you being able to win them in Mortal Kombat and give them reasons why you detest Jonathan’s administration that go beyond “he changed the name of Unilag”.

Personally, I like older men, but you see I’m unable to pretend to be dumb or dependent. Sure I need help with some intellectual stuff every now and then, but I don’t need the nursery level of help that these oldies seem to want to render in fact I sometimes end up teaching you a thing or two in the process of my learning, I also like being needed and I hate needing people. Thus I have decided that it’s time to start playing video games again and start watching the news. Let me try to make myself completely suitable for the young ones at least; but heaven knows there is NO WAY I will start watching football…lai lai.

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Last week wasn’t the best for me, with all the lives lost in the weekend’s disasters and a few personal setbacks of my own, permit me to say I’m glad that week is over and I’m back to my unexplainably excited self. When I started typing this post I had no idea what I wanted to talk about, but something just hit me; when is the right time to take certain steps in relationships? When is the right time to say you are in a relationship?

I asked this because I was recently in the middle of a conversation that involved this topic. The fact is that there is no hard and fast rule to relationships. There is no guarantee that if you follow certain steps you will wind up a happy Misses. A friend of mine once said to me “forget that your blog jo, all those methods don’t guarantee you a man” and I smiled and said “it might not guarantee you a man, but it will limit the tears if something goes wrong”. My blog does not assure you a successful relationship, I am not God, neither am I a well-read relationship guru, what it will help you with though is guarding your heart. Some people, men and women alike, bear it all too early and when it goes up in smoke they have nowhere to stand. While some also bottle up their emotions for too long. They start crying and lamenting and blaming everyone…lol… If you are a bit careful, at best you have a healthy successful relationship, at worst your heart will be protected.

Start every relationship with proper dating. Go on dates, to public places. Eat, dance, have drinks, watch movies. Basically put yourself in a position to have good conversations. One or two dates really aren’t enough to start having house calls. House calls create a cosy environment and most times it triggers emotions. At the beginning of a relationship you need a clear head. You need to be able to spot some flaws and determine which ones you can handle. You need to be able to dump him/her if you can spot those surface thing that assure you that your relationship with that particular person will not lead anywhere.  I can’t say I have always followed this analogy, but recent happenings have proven it very beneficial.

Be yourself from day one. Human beings tend to pretend just to win approval. This really doesn’t pay anybody. I’m not saying go and divulge your deepest secrets oh…God knows that’s proven to be an epic failure; be YOU. If you don’t like something done pretend, if you can’t do something don’t pretend either. I say this because what most people don’t realise is that the hard part is not telling the lie, it’s the follow-up. If you gain a person’s affections under false pretences at some point you are bound to get tired of acting, then what? Be yourself from day one, they either like it or they don’t, everybody mustn’t like you, that’s life.

Cuddling. This part eh…lol. Some people have no difficulty withholding sex and the likes, but they love to cuddle up in front of the TV and watch a movie or whatever. This is a killer. The moment you get to this stage your emotions start to work overtime. For the guys it might not necessarily apply though because it is a known fact that men are a lot more cautious in starting relationships than women. So my dear sisters, I know you think you have made major progress in your relationship when you are spooning in front of the tv with some light refreshments, but you really are not. At this point you might start to picture your lives together and what you are willing to give up to be with this man; but trust me, he is most likely thinking “when will it be ok to kiss her or try to feel her boobs?” lol. The cuddling is really for the woman’s benefit and maybe to soften you up enough for him to plant a kiss and sometimes more. Guard your heart at all times Ladies.

Show your feelings rather than tell it. Feelings are taken more seriously when shown. I can’t count the number of worthless “I love you’s” I have told people or received. Fact is if I care about you, whether I tell you or not you will know. This is how men seem to keep it together longer than women. So sisters learn, watch his actions and ignore what he says because some of these fellas don’t even realise the gravity of the words they utter sometimes. Learn not to hang on to every sweet word you hear and watch out for what he shows. A man can’t be telling you you’re the woman for him and yet can’t be bothered to take time out of his busy day to call or text you. Your man is too busy to text you but he doesn’t fail to update his facebook and bbm status? Even if he doesn’t do all of these, there is no such thing as being too busy to check on a girl you want to build something with. If a girl does it she is probably just forming or trying to guard her heart, if a man does it he probably doesn’t care as much as he claims to.

This list could go on forever as the world has changed so much that everyone is in a hurry and no one is really achieving anything. This “Women empowerment” is really messing up the natural order of things; I am even guilty of this. It’s never too late to take a step back though. Truth is that desperation shows and it’s very unattractive.

The killer of all this when you act like a wife when you haven’t even achieved ONLY girlfriend status. Acting like a wife when you are a mere girlfriend is bad enough o, but when you are not yet the official girlfriend it’s 10times worse.  Spending an entire weekend, cooking meals, washing clothes, waiting up for him to come home late at night with the table set.…all these coupled with the fact that you are probably having sex is a killer. If a man has already gotten all he wants from a wife from a girlfriend or two, please, tell me, what’s the motivation to marry her? I’m not saying this because I am a saint, I’m saying this because at some point in some lucky girl’s life, she sees the light and being as generous as I am, I have decided to share.

Honey, take a seat and let that dude run around you. Let him struggle to please you and win you approval. Let him woo you the way our fathers wooed our mothers. Buy you gifts, take you to nice places and stay up at night wondering the meaning of that look you gave him from across the table when his phone rang. Don’t change your schedule for him; let him build his schedule around yours, at least for a few months. Trust me; this is the only chance you have to be treated like that because once you become a wife and mother, your shakara don end.

Have a blessed week.

MOURN

Posted on: 04/06/2012

Today is a sad day for Nigeria, well it actually started as the weekend started but yesterday was the final bloody icing on the cake. At least 200 people have lost their lives in Nigeria or because of Nigeria over this weekend. It kind of makes you wonder what it is all for? By all I mean the constant daily struggles for money we don’t need, love we already have, fame that really doesn’t amount to much, beauty that will fade…the list is endless. My dear heart of men readers, week in week out we talk about various ways to begin and manage a relationship, but today we are going to MOURN with Nigeria. Not just for the deaths that have occurred in recent times, but for the fact that this country is clearly failing.

I wonder what we can stand up and boldly say works in Nigeria. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country, I am happy to be Nigerian, some days at least, but it would be nice to live in a country where you don’t stand a chance of dying like a farm animal at the slightest thing.

A few years ago, 2 planes crashed in the space of 3months. Many families lost their loved ones; whole families were wiped out, little children burnt to death. Plane crashes may destroy lives but they are supposed to be rare and far between. What about the daily killers that exist that go unpunished? A country that has no electricity, doctors are going on strike at will and getting away with it. I might not have completed medical school but if my memory serves me correctly, that is against the Hippocratic Oath. These doctors that are even going on strike sef, many of them cannot even cure malaria…yes I said it o. Malaria, a sickness that has been existing for decades now is still killing people like fowl. I can’t understand it. Women are dying anyhow during childbirth. Something that families should be excited about now soaks them in fear and worry if they cannot afford to give birth abroad. Abi is it the road accidents? When our government doesn’t feel the need to fix our highways and make sure that these vehicles are “road worthy” how won’t there be accidents? If it is to run around the country changing university names, commissioning irrelevant things and causing day long traffic jams they will carry 1st. What exactly does the Ministry of Aviation do all day if there are 22year old faulty air crafts flying round Nigeria multiple times a day?

As a friend of mine rightfully said, you travel by road and you either get robbed, rapped or a tanker will explode. You travel by air and your plane crashes. You even decided not to travel and Boko haram bombs your church or a plane crashes into your home. What then do you do? How then do you know you are safe? My dears, there is only safety in God. Whatever your religion is, commit your life to God daily as people die for the strangest and most fickle reasons. From petty illnesses to avoidable accidents.

Today, The heart of men mourns with Nigeria and with all those that lost 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree acquaintances. No amount of words would really console you now so I just want to say that we are sorry for your loss/losses and we can only pray that these tragedies reduce.

God save Nigeria.



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  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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