theheartofmen

Archive for May 2012

Women are blessed with a natural gift that they are all aware of but they seldom use. No, I don’t mean their physical gift. I mean that gift that makes us good wives and excellent mothers “instinct”. All women were born with the power to discern if a man is right for them or not. Whether or not they decide to acknowledge and use that power is entirely up to them. I had this conversation with a friend of mine this morning, believe it or not, this friend is male. He said women are so blessed they have no idea. What he doesn’t realise is that although its heart breaking the unnecessary pain women go through, some of them could have actually dodged the bullets that end up killing them. What I will never understand it this; what gives you as a woman the impression that you have the power to change a man? I read somewhere once that if a man were to change because of a woman, it would be because he had found a woman who to him is worth changing for and not because she wants him to change. I can totally relate to this analogy.

I’m not saying throw compromise out of the window, but I’m saying be smart, use you instinct. Once upon a time, many many years ago, I dated a guy I knew only wanted to have sex with me and dump me. I gave myself choices; either I date him, give him what he wants and accept the consequences, or find a way to use his wants to my own advantage. I won’t spell out the option I took, but let’s just say that relationship was most tasking 3yrears of my life. The right option would have been to walk away because even though it lasted 3years, it left me with scars that I’d rather not have. What’s my point? Use your instinct my dear sisters. The moment the alarms in your head start going off, take a long walk and don’t look back. It will pay you in the end.

Your man is upset with you and is shouting like the world is about to come down, you look into his eyes and you instantly get scared, don’t walk, run. You have no business with a man you are afraid of. You should respect your man not fear him. There is a difference between being stingy and being thrifty. A man might be careful about the way he spends money because he is not exactly buoyant. If you can deal with that then fine but I don’t know who in her right senses can deal with a stingy person. When a man is stingy even to his own detriment, don’t think that when you become his wife he will change o, because he will only get worse. A man, whether he is rich or not, should aspire to be able to provide the best for his family because they are his pride. Run away from a stingy man, he won’t do you any good.

The signs are always there, listen to them. Are you not tired of crying about broken hearts and failed relationships? It’s not enough to want to have a man in your life. It should be that you want to have the best possible man in your life. When your heart tells you that a relationship will not work, listen to it. Take your time, always follow your instincts they almost never steer you wrong. If you feel a man is bad for you, he probably is. If you feel your man is sneaking around, 9 out of 10 times you are right. If you feel there is a strange way you husband reacts to a particular girl or situation, something is probably up.

I’m not advising you to lose you minds and trail your men or act like lunatics just because you want to prove your point. Deal with things as maturely as possible, ignore the irrelevant ones, but if you are not married to a man and you alarms are on overdrive you need to advise yourself before you wreck yourself.

This article does not refer to those overly paranoid and somewhat mental women o…

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I wasn’t gonna blog this week but just a few minutes ago something hit me. I remembered when I was younger, just a few years back actually, I fancied myself in love with one guy like that. In hindsight I realise that it was clearly not love but there was no way I’d have agreed at that time o.

Anyway, I thought I was in love and boy did I make a fool of myself. Right now it’s an amazing conversation starter but then it was painful. I’d make up all these feelings and all these conversations. Don’t get me wrong, the dude and I were friends, and maybe at one point he fancied me or maybe it was pity but I’d never really know because I went all cray cray, just like in the movies. It took an emotional blow to my ego (which is bigger than it should be) to bring me down to earth after 2years of complete and utter stupidity. What’s the point of this story? I’ll tell you.

A lot of girls make up relationships in their heads. A boy is nice to you and you conclude that he is into you. Next thing you know you are building on that and acting a fool. It’s important to realise when a boy is into you as a friend and when he wants more. It is always important to remember that when a man is into you as more than a friend he will tell you. Don’t assume, it could only land you in trouble; but in the event that you do assume, ask him before you start kissing his pictures and telling everyone how he supposedly got jealous because he saw you talking to someone else. Disillusion is like quick sand; once you allow yourself to get sucked in you’ll have a really hard time getting out.

The next group of girls are those ones that don’t know when it’s over. When your relationship has ended let it go, stay friends if you want to, but let him go emotionally. Just because you guys are still shagging doesn’t mean he is still your boyfriend. The moment he finds the kind of girl he really wants he won’t touch you with a 10foot pole, and even if he does, there would be no mistake as to what he wants. Stop thinking you know him and that you know for a fact that he really likes you but he just has factors hindering him. Trust me if he really wants to be with you your tribe, his financial situation, not even his family will hold him back. Harsh? Maybe, but I’m tired of hearing girls lie to themselves, because it can’t be me they are trying to deceive lol.

It hurts when a relationship ends, or when you really really like someone but they don’t seem to like you back; but take it from a person who has hit rock bottom in this area, it hurts a zillion times more when you wake up from your disillusion and realise that you can’t talk in front of some people because they have seen you at your lowest, because they have probably “tabled” your issue behind you and you can always see the laughter in their eyes….lol… It’s never too late to get your dignity back; all you have to do is WAKE UP.

Boys, please stop taking advantage of these poor ladies and stringing them along while you know deep down that nothing would ever come out of it. I think that’s pretty low. You shouldn’t take advantage of a person who is emotionally vulnerable.

#okbye#

I often times find myself blaming some girls for their long-term singleness, but there are some stories you hear that make you vibrate with anger. I just got off the phone with a dear friend who just got out of a run-in with a modern-day Wizard. I asked for permission to publish her story and I got it. I’m not telling this story to make us even more scared of guys, but it’s just to show that there are higher levels of evil than being cheated on. As for the men, I am not going to speak in your favour today because after hearing the heartbreak in my girl’s voice, I’m not your biggest fan now either.

For the sake of confidentiality I’m gonna call my friend Steph and the guy Jerk.

Steph has always been one of those girls who tell the world how sceptical she is about men but deep down she is an optimist, always wanting to give an eligible looking guy a chance. It might take her a while but she basically has an open heart…at least she better pass me. Anyway she met Jerk  10 months ago. They had been introduced by a mutual friend. Steph disliked him immediately. There was something about him that didn’t quite add up. He acted like he wanted to marry her the next day and she was well aware of the fact that nothing good comes that easily. So my girl treated him like a 3rd class citizen. It was hilarious. She made him work for every smile he got out of her. After a while everything seemed to fizzle out. He wasn’t her type and he seemed to be getting tired of chasing a small girl around..lol.

One day, out of the blue, Jerk calls her up to catch up. They talk as just friends and seemed to have a decent chat, maybe because he wasn’t trying so hard anymore. Over the next few weeks they seemed to get along. She was giving a chance to someone who wasn’t typically “her type” and it seemed to be working out. I even remember her saying to me one day “Babe, in my almost 30years on earth, I have never had a man love me this much”. I was so happy for her I remember wishing that I’d have such luck. He had started to get close to her family. Had drinks often with her brothers, bonded with her sister and her family. He promised her the wedding of her dreams (he could afford it), had started to search for the perfect engagement ring. An epic love story if you ask me. It wasn’t a relationship based on materialism or looks. My friend is a gorgeous girl but the guy isn’t the sharpest knife in the cupboard. She loved him either way. He made her feel special and found new ways to make her feel like a princess EVERYDAY. Before you start judging he didn’t need to spend money to do this, I guess he just knew how to love her right. The only place where they disagreed was SEX. She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and he did. He wanted to have sex as soon as possible and she kept avoiding it. He’d claim to respect her decision but after a few weeks it’d come up again. In hindsight, maybe it was God’s way of warning her.

Anyways fast forward to my phone call with Steph.

“Shebbi you advised me to date outside my comfort zone and give this guy a chance?” I said YES with excitement, hoping that the quiver I heard in her voice was from joy and that she was about to tell me that he had officially proposed.

“I just found out that Jerk is married with kids.” I almost collapsed with shock. In my life I have experienced and heard some horrible stuff but this is the most shocking so far. It doesn’t make any sense. How can someone go through all that stress to get a girl? To what end bikonu? Was he going to marry her as a second wife? Was it just about sex? I’m not sure we’ll ever have the answer to these questions. I just advised her to cut him off and put herself together which I hope she would be able to do eventually.

When I hear stories like this I embrace being single with both arms and legs too. When a girl who typically would stay in her shell deeps her foot in the water and discovers that it’s boiling hot what do you tell that person? How so you convince her that it’s just that one guy and that the others would be different when you don’t even believe it yourself. Married with kids? That’s like the height of it o!!!

I honestly don’t know how to help my friend and I won’t mind a few ideas so I don’t end up making things worse with my own anger.

Last week I had 4 single female friends celebrate their birthdays. When I mean single I mean very enterprising, very pretty, very well brought up girls but they don’t have boyfriends. It’s really sad the sort of land that seems to lie fallow these days. Over time it gets more difficult to know what men want and in the bid to find it out or become what we think they want, most girls lose themselves. I’ve had a few theories as to why I have so many single friends, but I learnt a new one over the Easter holiday, when I did my babe auction, and so far this has made the most sense.

When most guys see a beautiful established young woman they automatically assume she is NOT single and it takes more than a lot to convince them.

If every guy assumes a pretty girl is hooked then she will never get hooked. Ladies don’t worry there is nothing you can do personally to change this view because the harder you try to convince him you are available the cheaper and more desperate you wind up looking. So today I wanna have a talk with the men.

Dear Men, if you sight a hot babe that you like walk up to her and ask her out, or at least get her number. You can’t just assume that she’s hooked and walk away. Besides, so what if she has a boyfriend? Haven’t you ever heard of snatching? Yes, I said it. You might not set out with the intention of snatching but sometimes that boyfriend was just destined to watch over her and keep her honest while you get your life together. I know it sounds cold and mean but a lot of success in life is achieved by injecting a little meanness. There are so many hot single girls out there and even more unhappy hooked girls. By hooked I mean in a relationship o, don’t go and toast someone’s wife.

Personally if a brother doesn’t treat his girlfriend well then he should prepare to lose her to a guy who will treat her good. Besides, how many girls above 26 start dating a guy and declare him “boyfriend” publicly without being certain of the destination on the relationship? Girls are allowed to have several suitors before they pick one provided they are not test-driving said suitors.

I guess my point is that you will never know until to try. Walk up to that girl today, tell her how u feel, she just might be single and if she’s not remain a good friend, you just might be able to rescue her from the monster she is with. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.



  • None
  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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