theheartofmen

Archive for April 2012

A friend of mine recently got engaged. Yes…we were all happy for her. In fact I carried the wedding on my head because the girl has been my friend since I was a toddler. All of a sudden, we discovered we were all off her blackberry, and I’m thinking “omg, what’s happened to me friend”. So I give the girl a call and she gives me a speech about how she decided to work on her life and take time off from the world and blah blah blah. To be honest I can’t confidently say I understood what she was on about, but I went along, told her I hoped she found her way and all that. She told me her wedding would be at the beginning of the second quarter and I was excited. Couldn’t wait to see what the ashebbi looked like. Was waiting for a date so I’d buy my cheap Aero tickets.

Fast forward to last week; I am talking to a mutual friend and I hear the babe has changed the cell phone numbers. WHAT!!! Sacrilege!!! She changed them and she didn’t even bother updating anyone. Wedding is in a few weeks from what I remember even if I was never given a date. What does that tell you?

I really wanna address this issue. What is it with girls thinking that marriage signifies rebirth? Yes if you were a wh**e you are expected to shed your old ways and start afresh; but when you are a regular girl, who may or may not have done regular ish, then what’s the big idea turning your world upside down? Fact is that whether you want it to or not your old friends would fizzle out as your life changes so why force them out and create potential enemies when it’s not necessary? There are a couple of reasons why this happens.

The man. Some men think that the best way to control a wife they don’t trust is by changing her entire clique of friends. Using emotional blackmail they make these women change their contact details. Phone number, email, the get off facebook and twitter. It’s amazing. What I wanna know is, how does this assure that this woman will suddenly metamorphose into a good wife? How does changing her number certify that she won’t cheat? The answer is it doesn’t. Altering a woman’s life to ensure that you are the centre of her existence shows signs of a weak man. A man should be confident enough to know that without any form of bullying, he has his woman’s heart and she won’t dare mess with him. Why would you want to marry a woman you can’t trust? If you feel her past is too gory for you then free her. Let a man who doesn’t care about stuff like that marry her rather than changing her entire life to suit YOU, because like it or not, her eyes will open one day and she will resent you.

The woman. Some women think that finding a husband translates to being born-again. Usually I don’t have the time or the patience to even address those ladies but it’s getting annoying. You hang with your single sisters, misbehaving and fornicating round town, maybe you even won some souls for the dark side while you were at it. Then you get up one day, and rather than try to carry them along on your new-found spiritual journey, you tag yourself as better than them and you cut them off. I’m the spokesperson for an individual’s right to change at any point, and I understand that you might need to change the way you relate with some people, but when you change your entire life and cut people off entirely, trust me it tells a lot about you even to the so-called husband you are doing it for.  It tells me that you don’t quite understand what being a Christian is and you were never really my friend to begin with and I don’t need such people in my life.

I know that after reading this most girls will still not learn and they will go ahead and make the same mistakes. Just remember one thing especially if you are my friend; when you fool yourself and come back, there won’t be space for you.

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As I was in the shower this morning it hit me that part of the reasons I have not had the best relationships in the past is because I didn’t know my worth or what I deserved. Over time I have come to realise that a lot of women are being mistreated because they don’t know that they deserve better.

Years of bad treatment makes you start to expect less from men. The less you expect the less you get because men by nature will take advantage your insecurities and capitalise on them. Even the ones that come across as trying to help boost your self-confidence do it at times because this would tie you to them without realising it you feel indebted to them thus landing you right where you started from. So this morning, in the shower, I checked myself out and I said “you are a spec oh, it’s time to raise your expectations. When I say expectations I don’t mean material expectations. A woman is precious and fragile and should be treated as such. The moment you begin to see yourself as precious you will carry yourself as precious and then anyone who isn’t ready to treat you as precious will be too scared to come near. Even when they do come near, they either adjust or get lost because you’d know better.

Before you ladies go running away with your heads I’m not saying you should toss humility out of the window and walk around demanding that doors be opened for you and your bills are paid o!!! That’s not it. A man can give you more material things than you will ever need in life and still be unable to make you happy and another man, a relatively financially handicapped man, can love you so well that excessive financial security ceases to be the top on your list. You start to look for ways to bring him up because you can confidently say that he will never let you down. Personally I think relationships built on emotional security are better that those built on financial security. I’m not saying a governor’s daughter should go after a welder or an auto mechanic. Frankly I don’t know what you guys would be talking about since in most cases these people might not be half as educated as you. I don’t mean to discriminate but life is not a Nollywood movie. You don’t go around defying your entire family only to run after your auto mechanic. This is Nigeria. Blue collar workers can barely feed most times and they can barely speak fluent English.

Before I begin to digress let me get back to the topic; it’s very vital for a lady, to know that she deserves to be loved and pampered as much as, if not more than, the next girl. So ladies be smart. If that man doesn’t care enough to want to know how you are doing every day, take a walk. If he feels very comfortable “chopping” your money when he doesn’t bring anything to the table, take a walk. If he slaps you, raises his voice at you unnecessarily, treats you like a maid, disregards your dreams and puts his first every single time, take a long walk. The most painful part of all this is that when you catch this dude with a girl he really adores you will realise he knew the right way to behave all along. So don’t settle for less than you are worth and even if you feel you’re not worth much don’t let it show, over time your sense of self-worth will increase as long as you surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Don’t condone cheating or ill-treatment because you feel men are hard to come by. Men are everywhere and maybe you’ve just caught one of the multitudes. Toss him back out if you can’t correct his bad habits and cast your net again.

Do you have any idea how many men will kill to get a good woman at their side? Stop settling for less today and you’ll find out. Like I always say; “I’d rather be with no one than with the wrong one”

 

Happy Easter everyone. A few days ago I was having a conversation with my sister and she said “I think your problem is that you don’t do enough shakara”. This has had me thinking for days now oh! What basically constitutes shakara? From what I gather, it’s not the regular withholding of sex that we’ve all learnt and mastered, it’s the holding back of our affections. Apparently there is also a limit because too much shakara is bad and not enough shakara is bad too. I come across as mean to most people, but the people who know me well enough know that I’m affectionate, to a fault. When you meet a guy, even if he is an established toaster, you have to create clear lines in your mind from day one. If you want it to lead to something serious then you switch to shakara mode. What is shakara mode?

He calls you in the morning, while you’re at the office, you are watching one tv show or the other online because it’s a slow day, but you pick the phone briefly and say “hey Booboo can I call you back? I’m in the middle of something”. Little would he know that that something is Gossip Girl. He asks you to spend the weekend at his and you give a long list of stuff you have to do that weekend, throwing in a few supposed favours for church and for family…lol…. Meanwhile you dey roast for house. He thinks it’s a good idea for you guys to go and visit his mother but you object giving him the excuse that you think it’s too soon just so he doesn’t realise how desperate you are to meet his family. They say a girl shouldn’t be too available or easily accessible in a relationship. I say all this game playing gives me a headache.

It’s a known fact that human beings thrive when they are scared and uncertain. They begin to pull out all the stops to try to keep you in their life; but there is one major thing you need to consider before you commence playing games. Is he really into you? If a guy doesn’t feel you as much as you tell yourself he does, then you will look like a complete fool trying to play hard to get because the brother isn’t trying to get you in the first place. But trust me, the hard to get thing, while being extremely difficult to pull off, especially if you really like the dude, works like a charm. As much as it’s not one of my strongest traits, I have done it before and I can confidently tell you that any guy I don’t show love from the beginning doesn’t let go. They spend so much time and energy trying to break your proverbial barriers that they fall in love with you. They are constantly looking for ways to put a smile on your face that they end up finding out all the tiny cute details about you. They’d work so hard to get you that when they finally do they can’t imagine losing you. If played well, this could give you a permanent leg up in the relationship/marriage. I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s tough as hell; but he that is down really fears no fall. You’ve tried it all and you are still single. As long as you are still getting toasters you are still in the game so why not pull out all the stops? I know that I’m about to resume the meanness because being nice and happy all the time hasn’t done much for my love life. Men love torture so why not give it to them?

Always remember that it’s important to;

Quit while you’re ahead

Don’t make the man think you’re a slut

Don’t make him think you don’t have any feelings

Don’t let him feel he is your only toaster

Be constructively busy (don’t give stupid excuses)

When eventually you are certain he is yours, don’t let go of the shakara, keep him on his toes.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

I got a few stories and I promise I will publish them ASAP, but in the mean time I decided to share this.

Last night, as I was watching a particularly sad episode of Desperate Housewives something hit me. It really doesn’t end at finding that perfect someone, there are so many things that may happen somewhere along the line that make me wonder if it’s worth the stress people tend to put themselves through. You work so hard at improving yourself to land the man of your dreams. You become an entirely different person because you hear through the grapevine that that’s what he likes. You change your mode of dressing, get a haircut, down play your life style, pick up a new religion and all these for what? Yeah, for a percentage of people it actually works out, they transform into better versions of themselves and live happily ever after. But what about those few that don’t have it so good? The ones who find out that all that glitters is not gold. The ones who never get along with their new in-laws and live in constant misery and horror. The ones who find out that the man is not who they thought he was after all. They get beaten and treated like 4th class citizens in what should have been their paradise. The ones who can’t have kids; Sometimes it’s their fault, but most times it isn’t. How do you really find a way to be happy through all of this? How do you wake up with purpose every morning when you discover 5years down the line that you should have married the one you said “No” to? When you discover that your husband is madly in love with another woman and is setting little traps for you so he can kick you out and replace you?…How are you supposed to deal with that? The one that just kills me is the death of a spouse. I have GREAT respect for young men and women that have lost the love of their life and still find a way to smile every day. If an ordinary break-up makes you feel like your world has stopped can you just imagine how horrible death would be? Imagine being in your early 40s with kids in secondary school and then you partner dies. People go around saying “it’s gonna be ok” but really it isn’t. What made me think of this? Most people don’t consider all these possibilities before they get married. Maybe if they realised that there are other ways a marriage could end apart from old age, people, girls especially, would be less inclined to rush into it just to wear a ring and answer a different name. It’s seriously SCARY stuff…I’ve taken a few steps back by just typing this article.
So marry someone who you are certain is worth it. When u cry if he or she dies, make sure that every time you remember your lives together it is with a huge smile. Make sure that the memories you make will help you endure the mourning period if it ever comes and that you are not filled with regret.

I want a husband and a house full of active kids. I want to know if my daughter will look like me or like a random family member we barely know; but in all this, I want to be able to sit down and remember my family in the middle of the day and smile. I don’t want to ever feel undue pain for even a second. God forbid we end up childless, but if I do, I’d want my husband and I to be so in love with each other that we’ll figure out a way to deal with it without hating each other. Every time I’d think of whatever pain life might have thrown at me, I’d like to be able to think of my husband and smile because I know that I am blessed.

Marriage should be fun, a merging of lives and sharing of souls there can be ups and downs but some things should not just happen. So marry the right person so that when all these random things happen you have something to fall back on.



  • None
  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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