theheartofmen

Archive for February 2012

I just got off the phone with a friend. During the conversation it hit me that most girls my age make the same mistake I make; we don’t clean out our closet. By closet I don’t mean the one with our shoes and clothes oh, I mean our lives. We carry our unattended baggage into the next relationship and destroy it before we begin. It’s wise to assume that whoever you are dating has his/her own baggage, that way you may realise that there really isn’t any space for two broken people in one relationship. There is no way that’ll ever work, and even when you do force it to work it would be unhealthy.

What really am I referring to when I say BAGGAGE? It’s that guy on your bb that you tell how much he means to you even though deep down he really doesn’t mean much but you keep him anyway because you like the attention you get. It’s that boyfriend or girlfriend you have broken up with officially but still care about unofficially and keep them hanging around for those days when you are particularly lonely. It’s your friend’s boyfriend that you are weirdly close to, you know he has feelings for you, you would never do anything with him, but you just like the idea of knowing that you can have what you friend has. It’s that relationship that you know is already over, you know it has no future whatsoever but you keep holding on because you are so used to having him/her in your life you don’t want to try something new. That man who meets our financial needs but not our emotional needs but we all know that girls of these days think money is more important than love. That crush you know will never reciprocate you love but you keep a space open for him anyway. That boy who would never have a real chance with you but you keep him around just incase.

Baggage destroys us whether we realise it or not. All single girls in my age group have baggage but have we ever tried just saying “NO” to all this dead weight and keep to ourselves until something new and genuine comes along? Trust me that relationship that you have refused to pronounce dead is already dead whether you voice it out or not. It might be very difficult…God knows that as I am saying this I’m hanging on to dead weight too… I started to type a message today to end it all but I chickened out. Don’t get me wrong oh, I’m not saying I don’t feel the love, but really when love has no destination what’s the point? Everything mustn’t end in marriage but at least it should have a long enough life span to be worth your time shouldn’t it?

Some people are lucky; they find a good partner that makes the mess in their closet evaporate without them noticing, but others aren’t so lucky. People like me. It has thus come to my notice that I’m going to have to swallow my phobia for “no attention” and clean out my closet because I need to move on or rather start afresh.

After the baggage is gone comes the rebranding. The time to build the version of YOU you want people to know and love. It’s not easy, I can’t stress that point enough, but it is highly necessary.

You’ve tried everything else; you might as well try this…xoxo

Last week was Valentine’s Day. I’ve often wondered what the purpose of this day is. The people in successful relationships call it lovers’ day and the single ones try to put a Christian spin on it. Let’s call a spade a spade; it’s one of the days that people who are in love get to show each other how much they mean to each other. Some people talk crap about how love should be shown everyday blah blah blah. Truth is it’s not humanly possible to show a person you love them every day because you don’t really love anyone every day. There are days you look at your partner and you just wanna punch them…lol. Fact remains that you love them more often than you don’t.

This valentine’s day I said something to a friend, at the time it might have seemed kind of cold, but I hope I made sense. I said “I don’t want to spend another valentine’s day with a person that might not be there the next year.” Sure it’s lovely to receive gifts and all, but what’s the fun in receiving ten gifts from ten different guys or girls when none of them might make it to Christmas or they all end up going home to people who are not you? That’s where I think people have gotten the holiday all wrong. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and even the guy’s own birthday I might care about the gift, but on Valentine’s Day I want to hear “I love you” and I want to be able to believe it. I want to go to bed with a big ass smile knowing that even if my better half might not be beside me his love is still there. How many people can say that?

Women are the biggest culprits here oh! They make such a fuss about the presents that they forget the story behind it. If a guy gets you and engagement ring on that day its sweet and romantic, if he gets you designer shoes and stuff like that the gift has no depth in my opinion. In as much as we appreciate these things and love them, what’s the guarantee that there isn’t a girl lurking around with a matching bag at his expense? I’m not saying everyone must get engaged on Val’s day oh! What I’m saying is that there should be some sort of emotional depth to that gift. Spend time with me rather than buy me some perfume that I’ll use up in a few months.

This year I spent Valentine’s Day alone. I was so angry for the better part of the day and I really couldn’t explain why. Then I sat in my bed, just before midnight and it hit me. I wasn’t annoyed because I didn’t get a card or some present, I was annoyed because I was alone. I wouldn’t have cared if I had just sat at home playing “ludo” as long as I didn’t have to do it alone. Then something else occurred to me, I have NEVER been happy on Valentine’s Day. Not because I have always spent them alone, surely you don’t think I’m that pathetic. It’s because all those years, the gifts, the dinners and the “I love you”s have never really been sincere, they’ve been a mere formality. This year 2012 I spent the day away from my man angry and feeling left out of the celebration, in fact I almost picked a fight and then I realised that for the first time I actually believed the “I love you” I was hearing on Valentine’s Day and that gave me the smile I was looking for.

It’s not about the flowers that wither, or the cake that makes you fat. It’s not about the teddy that will eventually smell funny or the perfume that you’ll use up. Not the dinners that only last a few hours or the sex you can have any other day. It’s about that satisfying feeling of loving and being loved in return that can’t be compared to any other thing. That confidence you have to pick a fight and hold your ground because you know that you guys would eventually make up and it would be like you never fought. That tingling sensation you get when your phone rings and you know it’s him or her without even looking at your phone.

I’m always the first to say love sucks and love is too hard…yes it is hard work, but when it’s right it’s soooooooooooo right. So I might have had a rotten Valentine’s Day, but I had an amazing last 30mins of it and I hope all my readers had and amazing day but if you didn’t keep the faith your Val’s Day could be tomorrow.

I was going through my facebook “notes” and I came across this post I wrote a year ago. I think this was when I first got the idea to start blogging. I decide to put it up as a mid-week delight. ENJOY!!!

10 Ways to keep your man!!!

Yes this is 1 of my usual acts of joblessness…lol…don’t be mistaken oh… I am quite single hence my immense wisdom… don’t criticize, just read and laugh.

1)      Understand him A LOT, love him A LITTLE: this simply means that u should spend more time trying to figure out what goes through your man’s head at each time of the day than being head over heels in love….Let’s be honest ladies, love makes us quite stupid and often times selfish… Take for example; you’ve missed your man the whole day and you’re furious he hasn’t even called/texted u. Rather than exploring all the possible reasons for this(rationally) we go ahead and give him “attitude” when we finally reach him….. Sometimes, it really isn’t about u.

2)      WITHHOLD sex: This has been known to work even for married couples.. Naturally humans value what they work hard for. Women pride themselves in the illusion that sex makes men weak…lmao…how can you get excited over a cup of sand when u live on the beach? Sex doesn’t make him weak or make him love you anymore…but when you display strength and will power, that’s the real trip… Men seem to like stubborn women.. (I wonder why) but mind you there is a difference between being stubborn and being rude oooo if them slap u I no dey.

3)      Be SELFSUFFICIENT but NEED HIM sometimes: Sounds conflicting abi? This simply means that there are some things that you should be able to achieve for yourself… you can’t bother him about gynecologist appointments, hair money and other things that appear strictly female… but when you need to prepare for a job interview, even if you believe he won’t know squat about it, still ask his opinion.. They like to believe that they are smarter than us so why not let them…. Anything to allow peace reign jor oh!! So go ahead, involve him in your life especially the part that involves thinking and calculations… flatter him about his deep insight and great intellect even if deep down you’re wondering who the hell signed his degree. Lol

4)      Don’t NAG: Women shrink when their men put them and the word “nag” in the same sentence… I hate that too… but the truth is women nag a lot it’s soooo annoying… you are shrinking away because you probably don’t know what that dude means when he says you are nagging.. you really don’t have to complain about every single wrong thing he does.. yes, it may annoy you but for Pete’s  sake does he give you sleepless nights over that horrible eye shadow you wear? Or those jeans you have refuse to admit are now a size too small? Or the fact that you can’t seem to look away from food even though you’re about to hit 100kg on the scales..abi is it the potty that we cook and call food but he eats with a smile because he loves us?.. Sister if you find yourself complaining about the same issue more that 3times then you are NAGGING. How can you do the same thing over and over and expect different results? There is more than 1 way to kill a rat… try plan B,C,D…etc until you get the result you want.. He won’t even realize you’re talking about the same issue. So next time a guy accuses you of nagging, you know it’s time to change tactics..

5)      SPACE: This is soo important you have no idea… a night out with the boys… Allow him to go out, talk, compare notes, flirt a little.. Time to realize that he probably won the lottery when he found you… You sef take time off, look hot, hang with your friends.. talk about anything BUT your man, clear your head and remind yourself that it’s not a do or die affair (except of course you are married)..Allow yourself to be VEIWED by other blokes, this adds loads to your self-esteem and in turn makes you less needy. Take a trip alone, atimes allow him to do the same … space is very good for relationships even if you are married… the fact that you’re with someone doesn’t mean you should lose yourself completely..

 6)      Don’t snoop around because you will definitely find something: What most people have refused to admit is that “what you don’t know won’t kill you”. This can also be applied to guys and girls…Atimes it could even be that the dude is fed up and doesn’t know how to give you the boot…atimes it’s just that he’s been a naughty boy. .but either way you end up on the pleading part of the fence, trying to make things right. Men come with the “offense is the best form of defense” gene in their DNA…you can’t win a fight except you catch them in the act. This is very much in sync with my next point;

7)      If you THINK he is cheating don’t attack without proof: This is very vital because you can’t bluff these men. If you feel you can use reverse psychology on them in this area you are gravely mistaken. All your ranting and finger pointing will do is make him go back to the drawing board and come back with a BANG…lol…your best bet is to catch him pants down or shut the hell up till you do.

8)      Don’t cheat: Cheating on your man is the most stupid revenge I have ever heard of. Whoever gave you that idea should be shot 2ce in the head…lol…all that does it degrade you…yes you guys might cry and get all mushy and swear never to hurt each other again.. But what you don’t know is not only will that dude do it again. .he will NEVER forgive you for what YOU did, and that will be his first class ticket out of your life if need be…if you feel so pained and you have the urge to cheat? That’s your cue to walk out on his ass…because no matter how much foreign education we might have acquired WE ARE NOT WHITE and an unfaithful wife can never convince any naija person that she was well within her rights.

9)      Stop playing the victim: Women are always bitching about what men have done to them, how they can never trust any man bla bla bla. You carry such baggage into your next relationship and whether you like it or not it shows because you obviously already have a biased mind. All your guards are up…and when the shit hits the fan u say “men are dogs”. We know they are dogs but honey they all can’t be bad…there must be something you too are not getting right… You probably need to work on yourself too. So let’s all take time.. reflect…even if it means taking an ex out to lunch just to find out what made you so difficult to stay with… it’ll go a LONG way.

10)      Finally, every man wants a multipurpose girlfriend: You should possess the ability to transform from GF to Sister to Mother to Wife to best mate and atimes to Stranger or Counselor as the need demands. This isn’t as hard as it seems…but you can’t always be the girlfriend “babying” the poor dude all over the place… Some days he wants to wrestle (not in a sexual way), some days he wants a well cooked meal and a clean house, some days he just wants to talk about the fears of his childhood, some days he wants to know that you have his back, not just because you’re his girlfriend but because you really and truly care…whether or not there is anything in it for you in the end.

 

So take the Bible’s definition of love, mix it up with the Mills and Boon novels, and the low budget Romance movies and watching our grandparents call each other names (playfully of course) and apply it to your life…Love is HARD work we should earn a salary for it… but I guess that’s where the kids come in.

Take the advice of a long time single gal freaked out by the concept of relationships and love and do with it as you may… Hopefully it helps someone…. Xoxo

Awwwww funny how time flies…for those of you who didn’t read this on facebook way back home it at least made you smile.

Last night a friend sent me a bb message, which had been broadcasted to her. It was talking to wives and wives in the making. It felt like the writer had burrowed into my mind and stolen some of my thoughts. One of them being; “A man who’s madly in love with one woman can still have sex with other women but still love his ‘woman’.” I’ve had this argument countless times with girls and on this blog. I’m not saying its ok to cheat on a woman you love, but I’m saying its wiser to realise that this could happen rather than looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses because one day those glasses will definitely break and then you will be torpedoed into a world of such great confusion it will take you years to recover. I’m not saying I’d be ok with it if I discovered that my man was cheating, but I’m saying that I’d definitely not go out of my way to find out. Once upon a time I used to tell my friends I’d like to know if my man was cheating and made them promise to tell me. Today, I am publicly stating that as long as that man is GOOD to me, loves me, wants to marry me and is clearly just using this lady (ies) for sex, I DO NOT want to know. Think about it; if you are neither willing nor ready to end your relationship why would you keep digging around? And those friends that are fond of catching people’s partners in the act na wah for una oh!!!! Sometimes it’s smarter to look the other way, maybe you can have a talk with the culprit (if you guys are that close) but if you spill the beans, chances are the relationship won’t end anyway so why on earth will be put yourself in that position?

We know how it feels to be the girlfriend or wife or partner, but how many people know what it feels like to be the “other woman”. Not the one that is being used for sex, that one no follow, I mean the one that the man actually loves but didn’t end up marrying. Wives and girlfriends you might want to stop reading here because you guys might not like us sympathising with them. Truth is that these ladies have their own pains too. Some of them actually met these men before they found their wives; some met them when they were already engaged while others met them after they are married. Either way, for the sake of this article, the other woman refers to that posh, clean respectable babe that your husband loves but had to marry you instead for various reasons eg: Tribe, Family background, Blood Genotype, pregnancy, you dated your husband for 10 years and he was obligated to marry you…lol. You see this woman has found the love of her life and has to deal with the fact that she will always have to share him and be in second place. It’s not a good way to live. Some of them become the man’s second family. They live in another country or state sometimes. They have kids, your husband secretly pays their bills and they have to explain to their family and friends the weird kind of life they lead. They are never truly happy but they would rather die than opt for another man. Along the way some of them get wise and marry someone else. They never tell anybody about the man who will always have their heart. The man who sat in the corner at their wedding and always stares at them in church but never says a word. The life of the “other woman” is very painful because she never gets to have what she really wants while the man gets what he wants and more.

Your man’s mistress or concubine is most times not interested in you or your home. She has already seen your pictures and those of your kids via your hubby’s phone….but sometimes wives leave their husbands, or die, or cheat or find out about the “other woman”, tries to argue about it and gets kicked out…I’ve seen that last one happen over and over. Someone once said on TV, “I’d rather be the woman you cheat with than the woman you cheat on.” I really can’t comment on that because both parties have a lot to lose. I guess in the end the point of this article is;

a) If you are a wife or a girlfriend or whatever, and you find out your man is spending QUALITY time with another woman not a group of women, do your research before you start fighting him, you might just be giving him the excuse he’s been looking for to leave you and be truly happy.

 b) Men, it’s always better to get to right the first time. Just because a woman stays with you even after you are married doesn’t make it fair to her and it isn’t fair to you either. How can you spend the rest of your life loving two women? The worst part is, the moment you commit to the wrong one you realise how wrong your decision was. Forget family and sometimes genotype (if the love is strong enough), and be with the woman you really love because life is too short. Would you rather spend your last 10minutes with the love of your life or spend them missing her and wishing she were beside you?

 c) Dear “other woman”, it really doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself that love is all that matters and that because you love him what you are doing isn’t wrong because you are lying to yourself. Apart from the bible’s stand on adultery, put yourselves in the wife’s shoes. You’d probably skin her alive if the roles were reversed. I know what it feels like to lose the love of your life to another woman so I sympathise, but u really have no right to do what you are doing. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to your kids and it’s really a no win situation for you. So take the high road, cut the fella off and rebuild yourself. Another man will find you, and even if he doesn’t its ok because you will figure out another way to be happy without those guilty feelings you have.

 Look at it this way, if you really meant that much to this bloke he would NEVER have married anyone else in the first place.

When we were younger, guys used to ask us specifically “will you be my girlfriend?” and when we said yes it meant yes and when we said we’d think about it we probably meant NO…lol. As time goes on it’s becoming a little bit more difficult to know if you are exclusively dating a guy or a girl, in fact its bother line confusing. I can honestly tell you that in the past 5years no man has told me he wants to be my boyfriend they just keep implying it and expecting me to understand. The way I see it, these men are keeping the door open, they want to be able to run out at the slightest hiccup. What the hell is wrong with a little, plainly spoken commitment? We’re not saying marry the girl, but at least give her the right to tear you limb from limb if she catches you with someone else…lol.

The way most relationships go these days is this (apart from the ones that have lasted for years); boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, a constant stream of phone conversations follow, then a few more dates, then a couple of visits to each other’s houses, kissing, making out, compliments, sex, the girl thinks she is in a relationship and at this point maybe she is or maybe she is just having sex. What most people wanna know is; how do you know when it’s a relationship and not just sex?

1)    What do you guys do when you are alone? Does he find it easy to sit and chat with you for hours at a time? You talk about everything under the sun. You both can spend a day together and not have sex but still have lots of fun. You are very likely in a relationship but then again you could be “friends with benefits”.

2)    Have you met his family? Most guys hold their mother very dear, their fathers could be their buddies and the siblings are almost always partners in crime. But when a dude introduces you to his mum, then you are on the right track. I’m not saying you should go and fool yourself and become her bff oh!!! That will not help your case so just play it cool.

3)    How does he introduce you to his friends? I’m yet to meet a guy that will introduce a girl to his friends as “my girl” when he doesn’t mean it. Usually you are “my friend” and they make it sound like you are a special friend meanwhile nothing gum you..lol… Men, very much like women, like to mark their territory. If I took a guy that was obviously my boyfriend to a gathering where we meet my female friends….I MUST specify who he is to me oh!!! I don’t want to hear “had I known”. Same rule applies to men. So the way he introduces you to the guys is very important.

4)    How does he act in public? I once went to a gathering and bumped into an old toaster that clearly wasn’t my boyfriend; the entire time this guy was forming “gum body” with me o, trying to mark territory, but what I noticed was that his markings were more sexual than loving. Sexual is bolder, touching your thighs (abi na rubbing sef), your waist, kissing your neck…..you’d wanna remove him with a crowbar. Loving is more like looking in your eyes across the room, pecking you as he passes by, the forgotten hand on your thigh(that’s also a sign that 2 people have shagged or made out) even when he isn’t near you, you feel him staring at you from afar. You feel safe.

5)    There is no such thing as “baby just because I don’t call you often doesn’t mean I don’t care.” When a man loves you he will call you/text you/ping you etc no matter how busy he is. There is ALWAYS time for the person you love because every time spent apart kills you especially if the relationship is new. Don’t let them deceive you oh….and guys too, women are naturally possessive and clingy, if that woman, despite the fact that you have shagged, doesn’t call you often you need to be weary because she is either playing mind games or she no send you like that, you might just be a contender.

I guess what this all comes down to in the end is that sometimes my dear it’s JUST SEX. Try to listen past the sweet words he whispers to you on those odd days that you do talk, the romantic gestures he makes behind closed doors and the fact that his siblings are on your blackberry. Asking him most times won’t help either because only a small percentage of human beings are really honest. The easiest test is to try taking a walk…see the extent he is willing to go to get you back…then you can decide. Keep in mind that nothing here is airtight. Sometimes just sex ends up in a very happy marriage, but it pays to know what you are involved in.



  • None
  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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