theheartofmen

Archive for October 2011

A lot of girls, especially those between the ages of 18 and 25, are very familiar with the saying; “If you love me you’ll do it”,”this is the only way I know to show you how much I love you”, “Do you think I just go around sleeping with every girl? It’s just because I love you o.” fa fa faaa foul…

In my 20+ years on earth I have come to realise that even if the men will never admit it, there is no direct relationship between love, sex and marriage. We don’t always love who we sleep with and we don’t always marry who we love, neither do we marry who we sleep with. Some lucky people get all three in one blow, some give a lot of sex and their own version of love before the finally find the one to marry. Some get married for their own version of love and seek the sex and real love elsewhere. It’s a harsh world out there but if you apply certain logics it might not land you a husband o…but to me having someone to love you for you is a lot more priceless than any husband.

Let us go back to our first loves, for some ladies they were 18, some as young as 12yrs old. Remember when you and that bloke talked of running away from home, you talked of the kids you’d have and the country you’d base in. Majority of those relationships were without sex but the love was pure. There were no hormonal impulses clouding their judgement….well at least until they turned 21. I know a good number of those couples that are married today. Here’s the downside. The men NEED to get IT out of their system. While that woman is loving him and not even dreaming of another man’s touch, the man goes out to spread his royal oats…lol…if you are lucky he does this before marriage. Don’t fret, it’s just sex. Believe me when I tell you that there is rarely any love between him and “them girls”. I have come to notice this type of love in small communities where they all know each other’s business. I’m sure a lot of people who grew up in Benin City can relate.

If your 1st love doesn’t work out you start to experiment and explore, it is worse if you had sex with the 1st love. It leaves you disorganised and disillusioned about love. This is when you first hear a girl say “all men are pigs”. Heart break will do that to you. If you are lucky the second will be patient enough to be your last (esp if the 1st heartbreak wasn’t severe). He is lucky because even though you have been with someone else, you are just as naïve. So if your 2nd love is a good guy you are lucky; but if you meet a jerk…lol…its downhill from there.

By the 3rd dude u have a biased mind about love. And I’m referring to all the ladies that are sexually active at this time of their journey. If you are still a virgin then you are very lucky because you are still naïve and relatively a priced bull…you’d still have full confidence in your market value. You don’t sit all day wondering if he really loves you or it’s just sex. You’re innocent enough to believe its love. At some point after guy number 3 some girls change, they decide that enough is enough and they are going to close their hearts and their legs till Mr Right comes along. Then they start to realise that such a person doesn’t exist. Some fall off the rails a few times while some stick to their new-found “innocence”. They learn to play dumb and it works for them eventually. The “okachamara” ones will not adopt this trait. They dissect every “I wanna be with you” and “I love you” until they convince themselves they are being played. It then makes it impossible to have a drama free relationship. This is caused by the missing chunk of your self-esteem. That chunk got missing somewhere around guy number 4. You are so desperate to be sure a man wants to spend his life with you before you sleep with him. A major question is; must you sleep with him? Why does sex have to come into every relationship you have? You have done it enough times and yet you are still alone and cynical so what makes you think it will change things this time? Guys often say “I can’t buy food without sampling it” that’s crap talk. Dangle a 25year old virgin in front of them and they’ll push you over 3rd mainland bridge. Men want what they can’t have; it’s the oldest known fact. Leave a little mystery. Sex is even a sin anyway so why offend God for a man who might not stay?

I know by now most girls are rolling their eyes saying “na she get her mouth, it’s easier said than done”. Honey I am as anti-male as the next girl, maybe even worse but I don’t lie to myself. Just because you have convinced yourself that sex is a way to show love doesn’t make it right. Fact is if a man wants to marry you it doesn’t matter if you sleep with him or not. Sex doesn’t “bond” people together or make relationships stronger. It only enslaves the girl. Ask yourself this; “if it bonded the nigga to you, why did he still cheat?” and just because you didn’t catch him doesn’t mean he didn’t cheat. If you enjoy having sex be honest with yourself and say “I’m sleeping with him because I’m horny” don’t say it’s because you love him or crap like that. That can be true for young love, but when you’re over the age of 25 and you lost your innocence, it’s just sex. You sleep with a guy who expects you to take birth control pills? And you tell yourself you’re in love? Really? If your relationship is “right” why are you preventing an extension of it?

Close your legs until he puts a ring on it, if possible until he puts two rings and a white dress on you.

Somebody’s got to say it……………….

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Lol……i like to at least try to make this blog readable to both genders because I’m most certainly not a feminist. Everyman (or at least most) wants a super woman. She’s cooks better than their moms, keeps the home spotless, the kids always look brand new. She doesn’t demand much but yet she always looks fit for a king. She’s very feminine yet she knows a thing or two about sports. She’s just as informed about WORLD politics as she is about Egusi soup. She listens to him and does as she is told. On top of all these qualities, she should be able to assist substantially to the financing of the home. Dream on.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but no girl has all those qualities. It’s usually a mix and match and it’s mostly laced with a negative trait that you’ll never be able to get rid of but you’ll learn to live with it. So what does this blog regard as a good woman;

She’s FLEXIBLE: She might not know it all but she is willing to learn. She knows her man is a semi-glutton so she learns to at least make his favourite meal at least. She knows how to make the best of a bad situation…from making a pot of soup with just 1k to wearing an old outfit and making it look new. She hates football but will bring you beer while ManU trashes Arsenal for the umpteenth time.

She’s NOT A PUSH OVER: It is fundamentally wrong to hang on a man’s every word. You can’t do all he says like you are a “dollbaby”. She should be able to challenge you as  a man….she needs to keep pushing you to keep setting new boundaries and hold your hand as you cross them.

“Ijeoma I don’t like it when you give me so much fish and just one piece of beef”

“My Precious you know red meat is not good for your heart and you’re not a baby anymore. Don’t worry just manage I promise to reward you later…trust me now”

I bet most people are smiling after reading that. That’s a good woman’s response…the alternative will be “why you too dey do like pikin? No be you dey there as doctor talk sey you fit die? Who you want die leave all this children for?”…lmao…Hilarious but happens a lot.

So she’s not a push over but she is diplomatic. She knows the right buttons to push to get her way.

She FEARS GOD: This cannot be stressed enough. The woman, as the heart of any relationship, must have a strong fear and love for God and all things that have to do with him. She is there to pray her husband to his destiny and keep the kids from becoming a menace to society.

She can MULTITASK: She should be able to be in two places at once. Take care of two different issues at the same time without raising too much dust.

She MUST be FAITHFUL: Her husband and kids are the centre of her world…whether we accept it or not it’s a man’s world. A woman has no business what so ever being unfaithful to her husband. What exactly are you looking for? She shouldn’t even have time to think of another man…if she does she isn’t handling her home well..

She is SEEN and not HEARD: Wildness and loudness in a woman are unacceptable. She is required to weigh her words and speak the ones that make sense at that point in time, no violence or insolence or throwing tantrums just to have her way.

So men, if you are looking for a hot cake , she might be soggy on the inside o. and always remember that flexibility is the first thing on this list, if she doesn’t have a what you want, how u want it, mould her.

He opens doors for you, he always picks you up. He calls at odd hours just to say he was thinking of you. He cooks you dinner on Friday nights and runs you a warm bath on Saturday morning. He goes to church with you on Sundays and is best friends with your family. He buys you lovely things and talks about how beautiful your kids will be….kisses you on the forehead and hold your head while you cry for stupid reasons…He rubs your back when it’s your “ladies time” and feeds you hot soup when you have a cold..

Problem is, we don’t know the difference between a GOOD man and a DREAM man. The above is a clear-cut description of a dream man.

Let’s analyse this; if he’s opening the door for you did he give you his hand to put in your box so he can’t do the same for a different girl every day of the week? What makes you think it wasn’t Shania that cooked that lovely Friday night dinner when she was leaving earlier? I guess my point is that there is nothing on this list that states that you are the only beneficiary of this dudes swag. So let’s go back to the drawing board and see if we can figure out what a GOOD man really is.

He is DEPENDABLE: In times of trouble (not necessarily financial) you can look to him for advice and support. You can take his word for it every time because his word is his bond (or however that goes).

He’s FAITHFUL: You are always number one. Even if he carries other women occasionally its very obvious you are the ONE. You’d never catch him or have cause to suspect foul play. There is no room for that.

He’s MATURE: Before a man starts a proper exclusive relationship a certain level of maturity is required. In the recent past I have come to realise that this isn’t a function of age. I have met 35year old men that think they are toddlers. Maturity comes when you realise that no matter how much fun you have drinking, smoking and doing all the evils that come with them, it is important to have a structured predictable aspect of your life that is actually going somewhere: job, roof over your head and a good woman with a good head on your shoulders to nudge you in the right direction when you lose your way.

He’s STABLE: He knows what he wants out of life and he goes for it. His path doesn’t crisscross out of confusion. He at least tries to provide the basics for his girl even if he can’t always meet up. Ladies, Brazilian hair doesn’t classify as basic…infact money for hair doesn’t classify as basic because you should be able to sort yourself out you are not invalid are you? He can give you the occasional pocket money which is not necessarily higher than you salary oooo. He can take you on night’s put. Just general stuff that makes you feel special without killing him financially.

He lets you IN: He lets you in his life, his heart, his home. You speak with his mum once a week, you come close enough to have a key; you can spend days in his apartment even when he’s out of town. He’s not afraid to profess his love for you even as his bb status. He’s not ashamed to humiliate himself to gain your forgiveness. He trusts you with everything and you trust him too.

A good man is not really hard to come by, the problem is that most men don’t even know they can be “good” until they meet the right girl. Sometimes he comes already well put together, sometimes we have to work at getting him there…either way a good man is very different from a dream man. He doesn’t need to cook to show that he loves you…you’ll just know. Even if he doesn’t open doors you’ll know he respects you.

So ladies it’s time to stop thinking of the guys we read about in our fairy tales and Mills and Boon novels and look at the man standing in front of us.

A few minutes ago I was in the shower….which happens to be where I do a lot of my useful thinking, and it hit me….a lot of the problems we deep ourselves in are brought about by either a feeling of low self-esteem or too much self-esteem. We all have one thing about us, either physical or in our character that we are not confident about. In us women if it’s not our weight it’s our hair, skin colour, pimples, boob size, flabby stomach blah blah blah….for men it’s often times financial wahala or in some cases, their height. I wanna ask a question; who told us what is beautiful and what isn’t? How do we know that beautiful isn’t really ugly and vice versa? The lesson for this week is for both boys and girls alike….BUILD YOURSELF CONFIDENCE. If you are not comfortable with who you are nobody will ever really be comfortable with you. You can have all the work done on your body but if you don’t feel that satisfaction and contentment from within you are always going to feel incomplete. 10months ago I was chubby…yes I’m getting personal….lol…I couldn’t wear all the stuff I saw on tv and crap like that. I was (like most girls)self-conscious about my weight so I lost 12kilos in 6weeks…health wise that deathly dangerous but it felt damn good. But while I felt confident about wearing little shorts and tank tops, that didn’t solve anything…it only solved the outward appearance. I still sit up in the dead of the night and wonder if the mistakes I made will haunt me, will he ever ALL MINE and high school shit like that. So in essence we are always able to work on the outside but you’ll know you have achieved real greatness when you tackle the inside as well. Fact is we are all good enough for somebody. When I was chubby I had just as many (if not more) toasters as the new me. Some guys like a size 8 while other like a size 18, some guys love light-skinned girls while some will kill for a really dark girl. Some guys are into boobs, others are into hips and some like athletic girls. Some girls are 6ft tall and yet love their men shorter. Some girls are so financially stable that they just want a man to move into their live with nothing but his big heart. The key is to be comfortable and honest with who you are and not try to be someone else. Don’t think Felicia is better than you cos she wears a G-cup bra and you wear a B-cup, for all you know Felicia is secretly a call girl with the IQ of a walnut…..lol…and Felicia just cos you are not smart doesn’t mean you can make something better of yourself. So what if Asuquo drives a range and you jump okada….do you know he isn’t wanted by the FBI? Or better still how do you know that your hard work won’t pay off eventually? If you feel that you aren’t where you are meant to be in life wake up and smell the coffee my dear cos everyone feels that way about one thing or the other. Have you ever thought of the fact that not every1 was destined to be a Dangote. Not every girl was destined to end up in a man’s house, some will be successful single mothers some nuns, some are there to make money and take care of the world. I know it sound cruel but if we embrace these facts of life, we are bound to get depressed a lot less often. Work hard, tell God what you want, but also trust that He will lead you to your perfect destiny as long as you stay true to yourself and Him. Losing weight and robbing a bank will change the way the world sees you, but it won’t change the way you see yourself, it won’t give you that sense of self-satisfaction we all should have. When you have confidence you draw the right kind of people to you. It’s not proper to think you are better than anybody either because if you need to look down on people in order to feel good..then you are just as bad as the person that feels inferior.

In the days of all the term Gold digger used to be attributed to “females” who dated men just because of what they stand to gain from these said men (mostly financial gains). Lately, in the modern world, times have changed and the roles have been reversed.

If you take a look at most homes these day, you see that from contributing to the upkeep of the home, the women have slowly but surely started to become the bread winners. Personally I don’t see anything wrong with this concept. It is a marriage after all. But I think it’s quite annoying when a bloke readily gives up his role as bread-winner and still feels the need to exert his “manly” role. Some even go as far as quoting the bible, “a woman should submit to her husband”….no wahala..What of the part where it says “a man should dig the soil”? Funny how we bend the good news to suit us. Anyway a marriage is a marriage and what happens in it doesn’t concern me for now.

My concern today is this latest trend of “gold digging young men”. What ever happened to the days when a man’s plan was to work hard, make a reasonable living and get married? Now it’s simply; date a girl and sponge of her. Some end in marriage but you’d have to be mega rich to get them to stick around. I’m not saying this just because I’ve noticed it a lot….for the 1st time I’m going to give u a story from personal experience.

For confidentiality sake let’s call the dude….Dude..lol..

I met Dude at a Christmas gathering last year…hot bloke. Very hot. Some might even argue that I willed him to myself with my mind….we’d never know how true that is will we? Anyway…we spoke a couple of times on the phone before I was set to go on holiday. I took a trip and I kept in touch with Dude via yahoo messenger cos he was too cheap to pick up the phone and call… I’m all for women’s liberation so I even called a couple of times. You see I have this theory that states “I don’t really have a problem with a struggling brother, but he should understand that I’m struggling too so…please keep your money and let me keep mine.

Anyway, before I knew it I was being referred to as “girlfriend” Ordinarily I wouldn’t mind at all but I had seen him just once (the day we met) so you’d understand my confusion. Next thing I know, he’s ordering stuff from my trip…lmao…I thought it was a huge joke so I didn’t get anything for him because I don’t subscribe to that school of thought at alllllllll.

What got me upset was the fact that he actually fought me because I didn’t buy anything. He then proceeded to try to make other financial demand….see me oh…i am looking for the 1 I will collect abeg.

Bottom line is the whole charade ended with name calling (mostly from him)….this guy would ‘flash’ me and honestly I would believe his “poor network” story. How much worse could it get? It’s not my duty to “wash” a man…I’m a girl….i know what I am entitled to.

I could go on and on with loads of examples from friends; the ones that have woken up and the ones that still don’t realise they are being played. It’s natural for a girl to date a guy for money and a guy to date a girl for sex..lol…but when a guy starts dating girls for money or financial connections…

These are signs of the end times o because there is no other explanation. If you want me to pay your bills please stay home, cook, clean, do the school run etc and let me go out and make money to feed you with.

Before the men bite my head off…I’m not refereeing to the dudes who toil day and night trying to make something of themselves o…the men I’m talking about know themselves…

If there are any topics you (both ladies and gents) want some info on please let me know and I’ll gladly do the research.

NEXT WEEK: The 1’s we want don’t want us and we don’t want the ones that do want us.



  • None
  • livelytwist: Interesting topic that we need to come to terms with. As you pointed out, "...no matter how much you miss your past, there’s a reason you left in th
  • angelsbeauty: Word!
  • Bee: Spot on 👌

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